Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Four Common Barriers to Love
Connecting to others is a basic human need; so why is it often so difficult to find the love we want? We might tell ourselves that women are confusing (or worse), but when we examine the situation more closely, we will often find that we are responsible for our romantic roadblocks. Here are four barrier keeping you from getting the girl, and the differences between the bad guy vs. the nice guy vs. the good guy.
1. You are Self-Centered
Self-centeredness is often confused with selfishness, but the two are quite different. Self-centeredness is an inability to see things from another’s point of view. The bad guy is clearly all about himself; however, even the nicest guy can be self-centered. He may be overly nice and agreeable to fill his own need to be desired. If there are problems in the relationship, he cannot understand why. He is the nice guy, so why doesn’t she appreciate him? He sees the relationship only through his eyes.
The good guy steps outside himself and see the situation through the eyes of his partner. He is then able to listen to her and engage in the authentic, honest, give-and-take necessary for a healthy relationship.
2. You Believe Women Want Emotionally Unavailable Guys
If you’re a bad guy, this misconception is right up your alley. You don’t call when you say you will, and when you do, you offer some lame excuse. You dangle that commitment carrot in front of the women you date, giving them just enough attention to keep them hanging on but not enough to make them feel secure. “So what?”, you say, “I’ve never had a problem attracting women.” Well, sure, this behavior may draw women to you, some very nice women, in fact. However, most of them will not stick around. How long a woman puts up with you is proportionate to her own self-awareness and esteem. A woman who knows what she wants – and refuses to settle for less -will eventually drop you like it’s hot.
If you’re the “nice guy”, you are also reacting to this misconception. You’ve heard countless women say they are sick of players and you are determined to be the opposite. You are dependable, agreeable, and you make it clear early on that you want a serious relationship. You’re always surprised when girls dump you for being “clingy”. Women only like jerks! Not exactly; they don’t want a doormat either.
Unlike the bad guy and nice guy, the good guy respects both himself and his partner. He wants to make her happy, but realizes this is not always possible and should not come at the expense of his self-esteem.
3. You Don’t Know What You Want
Like it or not, our view of relationships is heavily influenced by our early life. If you were the school nerd, that insecurity might follow you into adulthood, long after you’ve filled out and built a successful career. You become the nice guy and think that you always have to work hard to get attention from women. Or, if your parents felt trapped in their marriage, you may become a bad guy, running from one relationship to another in order to avoid the same fate. Either way, you are robbing yourself of love.
The good guy knows what’s driving him. He is aware of his past but it doesn’t let it determine his future.
4. Misconceptions about Love
You know that excitement at the beginning of a relationship? We get that nervous feeling in our stomach whenever she calls. We count the minutes until our next date and wonder if she feels the same. However, as time passes, both men and women want the security that a healthy relationship brings. We don’t want to worry about “where this is going”; we just want to feel loved. The bad guy lives in a perpetual courtship mentality. He enjoys the early passionate stage, then tires of the woman once things start to get serious. The nice guy, on the other hand, looks before he leaps, jumping right into the relationship phase and often scaring the woman off.
The good guy enjoys the passion, but he also looks forward to the deepening bond. He is comfortable sharing his feelings at the appropriate time, and is not doing so to garner approval or validation.
Finally, is finding love at the top of your goal list? It is even in the top five? You might meet someone randomly—it happens all the time–but the chance of finding “the one” is much less likely if you’re browsing your Tinder account in between meetings.
This is a tough one for everybody. We live in a fast-paced world with endless distractions and less work-life balance than ever before. Just look at it this way: when you meet the love of your life, you’ll have make her a priority. In the meantime, make self-improvement your priority.
Read more from Joe in his book “Reboot Your Relationships.”