Do you think it’s easy to get the woman of your dreams?
One of my buds is the most shredded guy you’ll ever meet and is still looking for his one and only.
Another one of my friends is successful and owns an expensive luxury car, yet wishes he was married, and can’t find a quality woman.
Not that either of them are doing anything wrong, but most guys believe having money, being ripped up, or having some form of celebrity status alone will win over the girl. These options might not be the best long-term strategies.
What is your strategy? Are you attempting to win a girl’s admiration, or are you trying to win her heart? These are two different things. Admiration is attention, but winning her heart is commitment. It comes down to what you’re looking for. Are you looking for a relationship or a random hook-up? If you’re ready for a relationship, read on.
While most guys want to marry a “trophy” wife, girls are different. She may appreciate some external feature in a guy, but she’s looking for more. Yeah, there’s an “it” factor. A little known secret is guys can move from a 5 to a 10 in her eyes.
Just because a girl goes out with you due to your eight-pack doesn’t mean she will stick around for long. You may receive temporary attention, and while most people may admire external qualities, no one values them. A great physique and a fancy car are great to have, but they have nothing to do with who you are as a person. An eight-pack will only last for so long.
What you believe about yourself defines you as a person, and having the wrong beliefs can keep you from the getting the girl.
3 Beliefs Keeping You From Getting The Girl (and the facts to correct them)
Belief #1: She’s only interested in good-looking guys
Fact: Most girls will take a great guy over a great-looking guy (or the good guy over a good-looking guy)
The authors of For Young Men Only: A Guy’s Guide to the Alien Genderdid a national survey of 400 girls and found 91% of them would rather go out with the “average looking…nice guy who has a funny sense of humor” than the “good looking…magazine model…captain of the football team…[who] ‘thinks he’s all that.’” Side note: I don’t think you can take looks completely off the table. It’s the “thinks he’s all that” that sent a 10 spiraling down to a 3. A humble, Abercrombie guy who is hilarious is probably going to trump us all. The good new is that you can compete with the meathead jerk. If you’re at least a 5, you can edge up a few points and score the winning game point.
If you’re self-obsessed, you might get a #mcm shout-out on Instagram, but you might not get a call back for a second date. Nothing’s wrong with joining the shredder league, but if you have to choose between the gym and becoming the right man, it’s ok to skip a workout.
Belief #2: All girls are gold diggers
Fact: Some guys believe women can sniff out a man with money. Wrong. Women, and anyone for that matter, can tell if a guy has confidence. That’s the attractive factor, not the money. It just so happens most guys with money have confidence too.
Daniel Beal, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Rice: “People may feel that owning flashy things makes them more attractive as a relationship partner, but in truth, many men might be sending women the wrong message.” A study showed women believed a man with an expensive sports car is only looking for uncommitted sex.
A luxury car might win her attention, but it doesn’t help in winning her heart. The guy who owns a Toyota can speed past the Audi S5 if he believes he’s a Bugatti. Are you a Honda trying to date a Porsche?
Belief #3: Girls only go for the jerks
Fact: Girls like some of the positive qualities in the jerk
Really? The jerk has positive qualities? Yes, and you can have them too.
An article from PsychologyToday puts it this way: “In the terms of Psychology, the ‘asshole’ consists of the following traits: High Extraversion, Low Neuroticism (perhaps), Low Conscientiousness, Low Agreeableness, High Openness to Experience…” These characteristics come from the Big Five Personality Traits. In more simple terms the jerk is social, free, confident, and adventurous. Line that up next to the nice guy who is overly concerned, awkward, worried, etc. and you understand why women (or anyone for that matter) would rather spend time with the “jerk.”
Bottom line is, if you subscribe to any of the beliefs listed above, you will lose. If you believe girls only go for the good-looking, wealthy jerks, then you lack confidence in yourself. Sure you can go and attain this trifecta, but at the end of the day, the good guy who has strong inner qualities will win.
If you’re trying to receive her approval through external validation, then all the power is in her hands. That’s not courtship. Trust me. The kind of girl you want does not want the power in her hands. I know way too many girls annoyed by spineless, go-with-flow kind of guys. They want a man who takes initiative, not a guy who’s going to stare at himself in the mirror more than at her.
Besides, if you’re front-loading, what are you trying to hide? Are you using money or flashy clothes as a distraction from the fact you are weak at the core? Are you building an impenetrable wall around you so everyone thinks you’re perfect, but no one can really get to know the real you?
Before you go out and chase the body, the car, and some false mask of confidence, ask yourself who you are in the inside. If you see yourself as the skinny, awkward kid who never fit in, that’s what you will project to everyone else. Change your beliefs about yourself, and you will take hold of a new identity, the guy you were created to be. When your one and only comes along, you will be ready.