Lately I’ve been hearing all these stories about guys cheating on their girlfriends or wives. These guys aren’t all the stereotypical bad guys either. There’s another subgroup of guys called “the nice guys” (read 6 Reasons Why The Good Guy Wins The Girl). The nice guys differ from the good guys in the fact that they are insecure and try to hide their weakness by acting nice on the outside. They try to find security everywhere but within themselves. Commitment starts from within and therefore commitment issues start long before a relationship begins. Insecurities and shame are why nice guys cheat.
Commitment isn’t easy, especially today. There are many distractions nowadays that scream “The grass is greener over here!” These distractions feed on the nice guy insecurities by offering false promises of popularity and success. So what do you get? A bunch of guys desperately running back and forth for acceptance and the hope of getting ahead or getting their “big break.” A good guy doesn’t cheat, and if you’re a girl reading this and looking for Mr. Right, take note:
If you’re looking for a guy who won’t cheat, look at everything else in his life first. Does he have a group of longtime friends he is loyal and committed to? If he says he will do something, does he do it? If he says he will be somewhere, does he show up? Is he desperately trying to climb the social ladder or is he secure in himself? Is he close with his family? Is he committed to his job?
As a good guy, what are some things you can do to get better at commitment?
Seek good counsel
I know a lot of guys who have everything to initially attract a girl, but nothing to keep them. I understand this too. I tried to create the best possible varnished exterior I could, but a guy with true confidence would come along and the girl I was trying to talk to would immediately gravitate to him. You can develop this inner confidence by facing your crap. How do you do that? By being honest with yourself, forgiving yourself and letting go of shame, going to a support group, finding a counselor or mentor, and reading good books like Healing the Masculine Soul by Gordon Dalbey.
Be ready to change
We’re all creatures of habit, and that includes bad habits. We hold on to bad habits that comfort us like drinking, pornography, and even smoking. If you’re wrecking over and over again, you probably have some bad habits you need to change in your life. You can’t build a healthy relationship when you’re holding on to unhealthy habits.
Be a friend with someone who can do nothing for you
It’s a gut check. We have a guys group that meets in LA, and we were discussing why some guys go in and out. One of my friends felt like the friendships he had made were more friendships of convenience. Translation: He felt more like a means to an end. You can’t build a true friendship with someone when you have an agenda. It’s important to find friends outside of work. Commitment develops when you maintain a relationship where you can’t get anything from it other than the friendship.
The Platinum Rule
Every good guy already lives by the golden rule: “do to others as you would have them do to you.” Or, treat others how you want to be treated. As you become a more committed man, you will also become a leader. So, take the golden rule a step further and do something for someone that can’t be returned. Expect nothing.
When it comes down to it, commitment is letting go of selfishness. The good guy doesn’t cheat because he is a servant leader. He’s fought the good fight like Gandalf the Grey from Lord of the Rings and came out on the other side as the more powerful Gandalf the White. He’s changed his bad habits and wants a healthy partner. He’s proved himself through time-tested friendships and is now ready to commit through thick and thin. He’s committed to making the grass greener on his side of the fence, and is no longer distracted by the false promises around him. He’ll never want to be that nice guy ever again.