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What it Means When Someone Says They Won’t Date You Unless You Sleep with Them

A growing number of young adults are choosing to wait for marriage to have sex. Approximately 11% of 25 year olds are not having premarital sex (60% women/40% men). What happens, though, when two people start dating and one person wants to wait for marriage while the other doesn’t? Recently, a guy and a girl each told me that the person they were dating did not want to continue dating without sex.

Will not wait for marriage

Here are nine things a person is conveying to you if they tell you sex is required to continue the relationship.

Their needs are more important than yours.

Do their sexual needs somehow trump your goals or values? The person you will ultimately fall in love with will not be concerned with only getting their sexual needs met. A healthy sex life comes through commitment, trust, and even friendship. This might sound odd in a Tinder, hook-up culture age, but ego driven sex will not lead to a successful long term relationship.

People aren’t tools or toys for pleasure. Those objects can be bought online.

Also, why would you want to be with someone who is selfish? Unless you want to forever be secondhand to someone else’s ego and whims, find someone who’s willing to make compromises for a cause in a relationship.

You’re not worth their wait.

If they really value you, they will wholly respect your decision to wait. Think about it: when you really want something, you are willing to hold out and make sacrifices for it no matter the cost because you highly value it.

You should be worth their wait, and if they feel otherwise, they may be revealing they don’t care that highly for you.

They are setting you up for failure.

“Trying before buying…” Have you heard that one? Do you really want to date someone who gives you a performance evaluation? A loving relationship isn’t rooted in performance.  It’s not about being judged for what you can do or bring to the table.

You may have heard sex is a great way to deal with relationship problems. Having sex before marriage might end up only being a bandaid to bigger issues. Authentic conversation uncovers wounds and heals relationships. Is this person willing to sit and talk through problems with you?

They don’t value what you value.

A few years ago, I wrote The Wife List. The first thing on the list is, “She shares your beliefs.” You don’t have to be fully aligned on everything. In fact, growing up, my parents had completely opposite political views. But they did share similar core beliefs. If you’re choosing to wait, that may be your core value. The person who’s promising you many years of happiness to get what they need now does not share this core value with you.

They don’t respect your boundaries.

Good boundaries protect you from people who could potentially hurt you or take you for granted. Choosing to wait to have sex is a good boundary.

…a healthy self-respect will produce boundaries which show you deserve to be treated well. They also will protect you from exploitative relationships and help you avoid getting too close to people who don’t have your best interests at heart.”

They aren’t thinking long term.

As DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good wrote, “The Wait is about getting control of your life, reducing the dating drama, and avoiding desperate relationship choices so that you can make better decisions about your future.”

This doesn’t discount chemistry, which is important, but instead ensures the chemistry doesn’t cloud over good judgement. What will this relationship look like 20 years from now?

I recently read the label on my Halo Top ice cream. It said, “Let’s not rush this. It’s worth the wait,” recommending “…give it a couple minutes on the counter” before indulging. Some things are just better with the wait.

They don’t have self control.

Before the Information Age, before on-demand media, before Amazon Prime, waiting for something and having temperance was considered a virtue.

Self control is a great characteristic to look for in the person you marry. While some people think getting married gets rid of temptation, it doesn’t. Sexual self control is about commitment, and commitment requires overlooking urges.

They may not want sex in the context of marriage.

Some people like non committed, no strings attached sex only. Put them in a long term relationship and marriage, and they completely lose their desire. When the game of getting sex is over, they may just check out.

They don’t love you.

“Renowned evolutionary psychology professor David Buss at The University of Texas at Austin and Martie G. Haselton at the University of California, Los Angeles found that the more previous sexual partners a man has, ‘the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after first intercourse’, Dr Williams said. ‘First-date sex doesn’t lead to love for men. If the guy is a player, first-date sex more often leads to distain for a woman.’”

Some may believe this “disdain” is a just a symptom of modern day objectification of women, but this is a tale as old as time. Here’s a text I found in ancient scripture. Amnon loved his half-sister so much, he forced her to have sex:

“Then Amnon hated her exceedingly, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, “Arise, be gone!””
‭‭II Samuel‬ ‭13:15‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Sex does not lead to love (especially for men). It might cloud your judgement, but it can’t in itself set you up for relationship success. If you are choosing to wait for marriage, find someone who will honor your decision.

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4 Responses to What it Means When Someone Says They Won’t Date You Unless You Sleep with Them

  1. Jordane October 21, 2017 at 9:50 am #

    Hello Kris,

    I am so thankful for this article! It’s really demonstrative and helpful.

    I think that women are more open to practice celibacy than men and it can be worse sometimes.

  2. amakalove February 28, 2018 at 2:42 am #

    This is so inspiring .thanks for the post

  3. Karen September 27, 2019 at 12:54 am #

    All good points. Being in the current dating scene the attitude does seem to be not just try before you buy, but try before you Commit!!!

    FOR ME, this feels and is very emotional unsafe to begin a sexual relationship with someone before I have been dating for awhile, and before there has been STD talks and testing, and before they have committed to being exclusive and shown themselves to be safe for me in every way.

    After being married for a long time and re-entering the dating scene recently, I had a men tell me if I was not going to be casual about my sexuality, then I would have no dates/love life in this “modern era”. Ie, that no one would date me…

    While I have definitely met men who agreed with him, I have found that I cannot cheapen my self-worth or my sexuality and maintain a strong self-esteem. Nor can I pretend that I have a hard heart and that I won’t BE VERY hurt when things don’t work out. I have been happy to find there are both men and women out here who are no in a hurry for sex. They are experienced enough to know that once sex is in play, it is very hard to have clear judgment about the relationship or the other person.

    I am not saying I would never have a sexual relationship before marriage, but certainly not under any sort of pressure.

    I don’t discuss this with men up front, unless it comes up, but I do say I am looking for a serious relationship and for long term. Just saying that weeds out a lot of the riff-raff. And I do meet people that are ok with my values. Men respect women with boundaries.

    I do want to share with all of you young people (I’m in my 40s) that not having sex with someone before marrige does NOT guarantee you are going to have a sexually pure marrige. THERE ARE A VERY HIGH % OF PEOPLE ADDICTED TO PORN, who think getting married will solve their problem. It is not “a problem”, It Is An ADDICTION. Like cocaine. And every time they use, it feels like they are cheating on you.

    I DO want to encourage people to be willing to have the tough conversations about porn at several points along their dating journey.

    In retrospect…..(please let my pain be your wisdom)…

    I wish I had requested that he go to therapy for a few years before I was willing to marry him. Look carefully at your partner. If they have a lot of childhood trauma or abuse or sexual molestation….they may have a porn problem. It is impossible to describe the devastation this addiction brings to the whole relationship.

    Please be patient. There are LOTS of fish in the sea. Everyone I knew in my 20s and 30s that wanted to get married, eventually did. There are many options and you do not need to settle.

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