The Wife List: 10 Qualities

Recently, my wife posted The Husband List: 12 Non-Negotiables, which has received many comments from readers wondering what the wife list looks like.  

Well, I can sum up most of my friends’ lists right here: 1. Blonde, 2. Skinny, 3. Hot. A few others might include: she likes football, she drinks beer with my buds, and she’s at least a full C. No matter what I write below, that list isn’t going away for some of guys. We’re all stubborn, but we can also be authentic. Sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.

Earlier this week, I wrote the article An Uncrafty Guy’s Guide to Making a Vision Board about keeping you visually focused on your dreams.  Should we be specific about the woman we want to marry?  Absolutely. However, make a list with long-term vision. Most of the characteristics we think we want in a wife aren’t ones that make for a good, lifelong relationship. They are characteristics of a woman we want for one night.

Just like character is the most important quality of a good guy, the woman you’re going to marry should have good character as well. When you find her, she is more valuable than anything. Here are 10 qualities of good future wife material:

1.  She shares your beliefs

When it comes to finding your wife, I’ve heard “equally yoked.” It has nothing to do with weightlifting for those of you guys who like muscle women. Your potential wife should share common beliefs with you. You may think you can do some missionary dating, and turn that situation around so she will believe everything you do, but you’re probably going to be very disappointed with some bad side effects. If you don’t share core beliefs….good luck.

2.  She makes you a better man

If everyday is hell with her, that should be a red flag. Your potential wife should elevate you to Yourself 2.0. You can get a good idea from your friends and family. Do they say you act differently in a bad way when you are around her? Not a good sign. She should bring out the best in you, not bring out heartache and frayed nerves.

3.  She’s trustworthy

In fact, she should inspire trustworthiness within you. If you don’t trust her, you’re probably making her as bitter as you’re making yourself. Not worth it. If you can’t trust her, maybe you’re not ready to date her or maybe you need to work on confidence issues within yourself. If there’s good reason not to trust her, don’t even go there. Just like any cheater, it’s bound to happen again.

4.  She has ambition

She should have strength in character and carry herself with confidence. As a man, you should be the leader in the relationship, but for any dictators who feel justified here; we’re talking servant leadership. You probably don’t want the consummate follower either. She should have plans too. In fact, she should be a hard worker just like you. That doesn’t mean having a job is a requirement. One of my friends is a stay-at-home wife with three kids, and she works harder than any of my friends with careers.

5.  She’s selfless

She should care about others. Look at the way she treats her family and her friends. If she’s not close with her family, and doesn’t have any good friends, that’s not a good sign. If you start dating her, much less marry her, you will discover why soon enough. Some questions to ask yourself: Does she care about causes? Does she go out and volunteer? Does she give change to the needy or buy them a meal? These are important characteristics to consider.

6.  She’s attractive

In your eyes, she should be a “10.” When my wife walks in the room, I’m awestruck by her every time. She’s beautiful from the inside out. However, I’ve dated “hot” girls who ended up being downright ugly by the time we broke up. Personality plays into attractiveness big-time. Just remember, “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting.” She should be beautiful down to her soul because that kind of beauty lasts forever.

7.  She’s smart

You’re going to be spending a lot of time with her, so she should be able to hold a good conversation. She should be wise, smart, and give you good advice. Her women’s intuition should be strong. I look to my wife all the time for advice. She’s collected all sorts of wisdom from her mom. She remembers everything. Yes, everything….maybe too much.

8.  She loves you unconditionally

If she’s trying to change you to be another person, it’s time to move on. Your future wife should love you just as you are, regardless of anything you’ve done in your past. There will be minor adjustments along the way, but if she nags you about your core characteristics, it won’t get any better in marriage.

9.  She’s responsible

Does she remember appointments and meetings? Does she flake all of the time? She should already do a good job of managing her own life. If she’s got loads of debt and doesn’t work, you’re going to be taking all of that on. Ultimately, she will have some part in your financial well-being, and guess what? Finances remain one of the leading causes of divorce.

10.  She gets along with your family and friends

If she doesn’t even try to connect with your family and/or friends, let her go. She shouldn’t be critical of the people who you love and have been loyal to you throughout your life. There might be cases where your mom doesn’t like your future wife, and that may require your intervention; but in general, she should be a good fit with the people in your life. Marriage is a joining of two lives that existed prior to meeting the other person.

When it comes down to it, you know what you can handle. Love can overwrite any of the qualities above, but having these qualities will certainly make your lives easier once you are married. No one’s perfect. Even with this list, both of you are still going to bring some kind of baggage into the relationship. First start with yourself. Check a few boxes off The Self List. Make sure premarital counseling is a huge priority once you find her. My wife and I did a relationship bootcamp in addition to premarital counseling. One session just doesn’t cut it. Throw everything but the kitchen sink at the most important decision you will ever make.

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  • Nick

    And what if it’s too late?

    • Kris Wolfe

      These are qualities a single guy should look for, but if you’re already married, then a good guy would most definitely honor his commitment.

      • Dennis Robinson

        A “good guy” will only honor a committment worth honoring. If you are being cheated on and used and this is the lifestyle she chooses, a “good guy” will attempt to correct the situation and then leave.

        • Sara

          I loved this Kris! In response to an above comment, technically there is no “Good” anyone, because Christ is the only Good person to have walked this earth. But when saying Good by the World’s standards, the only good we can be is in our effort to strive to be more like Him. Divorce is taken so lightly in this present day. Hosea married a prostitute… And yet despite her cheating and unfaithfulness, he remained faithful to her. It is no coincidence that Hosea’s story is in the Bible-did he feel betrayed? Embarrassed? Yes, yes, and so many more! The picture of their marriage is a greater picture of Christ’s devotion to us, in spite of our unfaithfulness. God didn’t have a commitment to save us, and even if He did, it most certainly wasn’t worth honoring. And yet, He did honor it. To say some commitments are not worth honoring is to miss one key thing that Kris wants us to see… Before you get married, throw everything into your premarital counseling because that is the time when you will realize whether or not you will have a relationship in which you can honor or you will struggle to honor. Quite obviously, there are some things that permit divorce (abuse etc), however for the majority, in the beginning it was not meant to be. Check out Mark 10 (especially vs 5). I don’t get into these blog posts, but with parents whose marriage just “didn’t work out” I believe everyone has a higher calling to make sure you find the right person, and devote your life to them regardless.

          • Katie Becton

            Hosea didn’t choose to marry a prostitute, he was told to do so by God. It was a picture of God’s relationship with Israel, who was constantly leaving the worship of Him and depending on themselves and other false gods. Adultery is indeed a biblical reason for divorce,. That being said, you should try everything possible before resorting to that.

          • joe

            You my dear a brain washed lol. Give your head a shake

          • Chaca Zoulou Jr

            interesting… So “God” is the only good “person” to have “walked” this earth ? Don’t your God sound a little human?
            There is only one God and he is not like any of his creation

          • RB

            I run divorce intervention classes. There I discovered the need to begin and end every gathering with definitions of or challenges to have the right kind of commitment. I think you nailed some of the key ideas and liked it so much that I decided to reply without reading more comments. Yet, I’m not sure many married men are able to think like you describe without another concept. A husband must view his marriage from God’s eternal kingdom perspective. It’s sort of like being a Navy SEAL. He trains, learns and sacrifices all that he has and all that he is for what? To give it all away on behalf of his team and his country. He is loyal to his team members to the point of torture, capture, or death even if the team member does not uphold the code. He remains loyal until his commander removes that person from the team. He does whatever it takes to get that team member back on board. Subteams, like sniper units, go even deeper. Husband-wife teams are sniper units in God’s kingdom. If you are a sniper, you cannot afford to give up on your spotter, no matter how despicable he-she becomes. You are mates until the commander takes them away from you.

          • Neal R

            Chaca Zoulou, you do realize this is a blog run by a Christian couple, right? When you say “He (God) is not like any of his creation,” you are partly right. But Christianity teaches that God descended into his creation and became a man (Jesus), precisely so he could be like us. He showed us how to live. So yes, God walked the earth, and yes, he was the only fully “good” person to ever do so.

          • Matt

            I agree

          • aquachik18

            many men wouldnt have the same view point as u did..good blessed

        • Liezle

          I agree, when you’re cheated, correct things and leave :) There is no reason to stay if there’s already a third party.

          • Chad

            Actually the allowed to divorce for infidelity was to be for habitual infidelity. If your spouse cheats on you comes to you admits it and repents. You may have the right to leave but I would strongly encourage you if you can stay get counseling and try to make the successful. God hates divorce. He provides divorce as an option because we are a “stiffed necked” people.

      • Laura

        Good read. Authentic,honest and applies to all relationships. I look for a lot of these qualities in friendship too.

        • Cato Younger

          I think its important to remember these are reminders for what to look for, not a list to judge our spouses by once we commit. We all know people that have “lists” that have become so rigid they will never find someone or be happy. Communication and forgiveness (not keeping accounts) are two of the great keys to a successful marriage. Well, that and not marrying someone nuts! :-)

      • Sam

        I agree. That is what matters. The last point in which you say “let her go”…thats no way to go about a marriage. let her go? what does that mean?!

        • Kris Wolfe

          Sam and Cato…thank you both for your responses, but this isn’t a list to see if your current spouse measures up. It’s a note of encouragement to young men looking for their wives. If a guy is in a dating relationship, and it’s not working out, I would not give advice to get married as a solution.

      • Marvin

        Hi Kris, I am a single young Christian man, and sometimes am concerned about not having “a partner yet” not that am rushing, but there are things I dnt really know, or not ready for totally, and in the process this site gives me insight in seeking and selecting the right one …. God Bless this site…. it inspires me also to brush up on my Manhood…. #30 qualities of a good guy (y)

    • Mark

      Hey Nick,

      I don’t think anything is ever too late with God. God is above time.
      So if you bring Him into your relationship, there is no telling what kind of wonders He will do.

      • Shane

        How apt, I share your thoughts Mark.

        Give it a try, Nick.

        • Shane

          & for the record, a delightful read Kris! Thumbs up.

      • JR

        What if you bring God into the relationship, following God principles honestly in your life and she doesn’t want to follow Godly principles

        • JC

          That is where the phrase “equally yoked” is mostly mentioned. Whether you are Christian, Muslim, or Jewish, we all have some version of the Old Testament. In those chapters, it is constantly mentioned that the man’s wife should be equally yoked. In several chapters, it was considered wrong for a man to marry a Gentile, or someone who did not believe the same. This was simply because these women would turn the man away from his belief in God and introduce him to a life of sin. So make sure she is “equally yoked”, and make sure you two have the same convictions.

        • Jessica

          May I also recommend JR that you look into the “Fireproof” book (not the story/ movie, but the bible study), and the Love and Respect series by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches. I can tell you these 2 tools made all of the difference in the world to my husband and my relationship. These are practical, everyday, biblical tools that EVERYONE can benefit from, even if they are just a gentle reminder to people who live them day to day. I know how hard it is to be married to someone i was unequally yoked with and I’m praying for you guys. Remember “true love casts out all fear.” And that Love is NOT a feeling, it is an action, a choice. that is why God says in 1st Corinthians 13: 4-6 ” Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” Good luck brother, again, I’m praying for you.

      • Ross

        You’re not marrying God, you’re marrying a woman or man to spend the rest of your life with. They are your key focus above all else.

        • Katya

          “You shall love the Lord your God with your whole heart, with your whole soul, and with all your mind” (Deuteronomy 6:5). God always comes above all else; He should be top priority. Wife/husband come second.

        • Bonnie

          Actually, Ross…when you marry someone your covenant is between you, your wife and God because God created marriage as a Holy covenant. When you break that covenant with your spouse you are also breaking a covenant with God no matter what the reason.

    • terry

      Dearest Nick, your question tugged at my heart & I pray that in CHRIST & in seeking Wisdom from HIS WORD, & through your obedience of it, that you will find HIS Eternal hope…. Start on your knees, seeking HIM :-)

      • Graham

        Yep, all I want to do is get on my knees and please Jesus.

    • Sandy

      Well you need to let her go because in the long term it won’t turn out any better

    • doug

      These are just ten things any person should strive for. What makes these female or male?

      All is grace, anyway.

    • ez

      Try to love her for all good things she has and forget about the flaws…everyone is flawed .

    • Meg

      And what is considered a “core characteristic?”

    • Willie Peter

      She must be able to cut bait, fish, have a Ford truck with manual tranny and love dogs!

      • Loraine

        Thank you for saving the day Willie Peter. I was ready to switch chat-rooms if you did not respond with some humour !!!!

  • joy curry

    Thanks so much for writing this article..your telling the truth here. :)

    • Kris Wolfe

      Appreciate the great feedback Joy. Thanks!

  • kaya

    “as a man, you should be the leader in the relationship” haha, wait, what? are you serious? Shouldn’t marriage be a completely equal partnership?

    • Sai

      Statistics show that women prefer men who take a lead role in the relationship during courtship. Additionally, couples which conform to traditional stereotypes of leadership tend to have much more sex which is considered indicative of a healthy marriage. Of course those are just statistics and if you find a man who is beyond average, why not? Too bad everyone thinks their man is beyond average though…

      • erica

        statistics? What are your sources then? Healthy relationships are equally dependent and mutually independent. Enough of this gender who should wear the pants crap. Some days he needs me to be the leader and other days I need him to guide me. It is a partnership, not a marriage rooted in who is in charge or not.

        • man

          Leadership or taking the lead is not about being in charge. Just wanted to point that out.

          • LA

            Leadership IS about being in charge, but it’s not ONLY about being in charge. Yes, he is a servant-leader, but also a LEADER.

        • ce

          someone is missing the point!!

        • Chris

          True Leadership is based on selfless giving. Its not being said to be autocratic or a dictator. A leader gives of himself and ensures the safety and well being of those he (or she) is with. He shows them love, caring and respect. Man, who wouldn’t want that??

          • Traci

            Beautifully stated, Chris.

          • Jayjay

            Most people who can think for themselves, for starters.

        • val

          I agree with Erica, it is JUST a partnership.Some days he needs me to be the leader and other days I need him to guide me. It is a partnership, not a marriage rooted in who is in charge or not.

        • Mikela

          Erica, I agree with you in regards to equality in a marriage entirely! I think what was meant by the statistic statement, though, is not that the male must be a tyrant and control freak in the relationship, but that a woman does tend to prefer a guy who takes leadership in a relationship because it shows he actually cares and isn’t some lazy couch potato. Too many guys are losses with drive and, thus, get little respect. And without respect, a relationship is not healthy on either end.

        • Kaziar Rawls

          Ephesians 5:23 and the surrounding verses talk about the roles of each partner in a relationship. The man is to be the head of the house and the woman is to uplift him and encourage him, but just because he is the head of the house doesn’t mean he “controls” his woman (Remember: “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck and can turn the head anyway she chooses”). It is an equal partnership, but even in an equal business partnership, each partner has different roles. A partnership is about give and take, building each other up, and watching each other’s back. It’s nothing to get defensive about; it’s something to be appreciated. If God made a point to instruct us in this way, we can only trust that it is in our best interest.

          • Becky

            I just wanted to point out that it actually starts at verse 21, “submit one to another”. I believe there is a level of equality to be had, but I personally tend to hold a more traditional view of marriage and want my husband to be the leader. At the same time I need him to respect my advice when I offer it. A true partnership is a give and take, he should listen to my advice and I should listen to his. We should trust each other to make the best decisions we can for each other and our relationship, if our hearts are in the right place that shouldn’t be difficult.

      • KAnderson

        “Additionally, couples which conform to traditional stereotypes of leadership tend to have much more sex which is considered indicative of a healthy marriage.”

        So much wrong with this sentence, even more wrong with this article. Also, I have to wonder if that sex is any good, you know, for the woman. lol.

        Any relationship should be an equal partnership. Let’s leave gender stereotypes and sexism out of it so that both parties can work together to fulfill the roles in their partnership that best fit with their personalities.

        Let’s stop the conversation about what “he” or “she” should do. It’s about what “we” do as a couple for each other.

      • Alicia

        I don’t know about that… I mean, I am just speaking from personal experience, but I asked my man out first. I also make more money than my husband, and so I often payed for the dates, because he just couldn’t. He was so smart and handsome and kind that I did not care about “gender roles,” I just wanted to spend some good time with him. The last couple of years he has stayed home with the children while I worked. They love him dearly and he is so much more patient with them than I could ever be. We both have areas of life we excel in; for example, I make our monthly budget and do anything that needs to be done online (I am better with computers), and he checks out the engine when our car sounds funny, cooks meat without burning it (like I would :p ), and drives when the roads are slick. We take turns choosing what movie we want to watch, and on the rare occasions when we can’t decide, we settle on x-files re-runs. I would not say that either of us are a “leader”… I am not sure how in an honest, open relationship between two equals you CAN have a leader.

    • Kris Wolfe

      Sai brings up a good point. Men should be the leaders during the courtship process and should also keep dating alive during marriage. It actually seems like women have taken up more of the leadership role in recent years, and men have checked out. If anything, I’m encouraging men to take more of an active role. There are too many fatherless children out there because the man refused to be a responsible leader.

      • Moni

        The women’s lib movement did us some good…I mean we can vote. LOL! But in some areas–and I can only speakfor myself–it has gone TOO FAR! I’m 34, single, no kids, educated, good credit, no debt, in the IT field, traveled to 20 countries on 5 continents, and have a difficult time being approached by single men! I hear from my guy friends: “why do I have to chase 1 woman, when I got 10 women competing for me?” It’s really sad. Call me traditional, but I need the guy to make the first move. Show me you’re interested? And you’ve got a jewel who possess (and is ready to possess) all the qualities on this list! I mean. Chasing a guy is not in my DNA, and I’ve been in charge of my single life, my entire life. I can’t wait to let someone else drive! (Literally &figuratively!) But I’m not gonna be in a relationship with a guy and he pulls the “…but YOU chased ME!” line… I need the man to lead. And I’m ready and willing, with all I am, and all I have to support, encourage and work alongside my husband. I know he’s out there somewhere. But I don’t worry. Because God is sendng him my way…I’m just working to be found! =) And who knows, I’m going to Italy next month for Christmas…he might be there looking for me! Now wouldn’t THAT be an amazing story!!!=)

        • Kris Wolfe

          He’ll definitely send someone your way Moni! I didn’t get engaged till I was 37, so don’t lose hope.

        • Captn

          You’ve done everything already that was supposed to be done with someone else. That’a a turnoff. Where is the room to grow together if you’ve spent so much time growing alone? Stop telling a guy you conquered the world already, and he’ll stop looking elsewhere for someone who he can conquer it with.

          • Krystal T

            Not true at all Captn! I have a similar story to Moni and at 34 was just waiting to do fun things with Mr Right – whenever he turned up!?
            I was then told by several guys that it was a put-off that I hadn’t overseas travelled yet. A close married friend said that he wouldn’t have wanted that in his wife as if created too long a to-do list!!? He believed their travel stories and living different lives gave them things to share.
            I had been waiting to hopefully travel w. my ‘future husband’ … So instead I took myself off on my dream 9 wk European trip.
            I was single then, and still am now (36) – so neither doing it all, or not doing it all makes you standout. If it’s the right guy, he’ll be glad at the effort you’ve put into your life – whilst waiting.
            (Thx for great article Kris)

          • Kjm

            Really, she was supposed to do all that with someone else? So if there was no man around to do it with, she was supposed to sit around and do nothing? She should not experience personal growth unless she is with a man??? Wow…just wow. I didn’t realize such ideas still persisted. Moni, good for you for not waiting around for a man to build your amazing life! You go girl!

          • Ilyana

            Well, gee, I hope you’re prepared for a long path of loneliness until a woman who hasn’t had a history comes along. Face it, women aren’t and have never been just dependent on a man to marry them. That’s just an idea perpetuated by the patriarchy (ex: the pinup ideal girl during WWII) to make women seem more obedient.

            Moni, if a guy’s intimidated by your independence, he’s a weenie. God’s probably preparing your future spouse the same way he’s preparing you, maturation and growth through individual experience. You go, girl! Keep after God’s heart and you’ll be ready for your path to intertwine with someone else’s :)

        • JR

          I definitely understand where you’re. I’m a black male & recently got out of a relationship.
          The feminine movement has convinced us men to try and change our nature & somewhat relinquish leadership in marriages/courtship with a woman and let her lead, so most decent men try to, hence becoming too passive and away from the manly roles we where created naturally for and when this begins to frustrate us, we check out emotionally from the relationship, hence the momentum.
          Btw..keep doing the right things and the right guy will come along.

        • Jas

          I was that woman, not wanting to be the aggressor (as I see most women can be). By being patient (being active in pursuit of purpose while waiting with anticipation) and waiting on God, at 32 I got married. Many guys said I was intimidating because of my accomplishments, but at the end of the day, none of that matters. I love that my husband leads me. It is ok to have someone providing you with strength and security as he allows God to lead him. I take myrole as a woman. That is also strength. Someone has to be nurturing and soft, tender and sweet. I love that because when I was single it was seen as weakness. I believe marriage is a partnership, but first it is a covenant with God. This article was great.

        • Lizza

          Hey Moni,

          Please read “Getting to I Do” by Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon. Don’t let the title put you off. It gives some really good insights to us professional women about the whole male-female relationship arena. I totally agree with you about not chasing a man or taking the lead in a relationship. Honey, may God surprise you with a man who exceeds all you can ask or imagine. He did it for me. :)

          And have fun in Italy! 😉

        • ez

          Moni i can understand the situation..from how you describe yourself i can see that you are strong independant woman…and i can relate to that…i think guys have a problem approaching such a women..maybe they think such a woman will be intidimating…only stronger man would be a suitable match for you but unfortunately they go for brainers…i dont know how it works…but i hav faith that it wil happen wen its tym n with person…u r right lowering dignity and chasing a man is so.not a good idea..they never respect you like that..

        • crownworth
      • Beryl Kunder

        What if the wife lied to the family court & judicial system only coz she changed her priorities after marriage & used the kids as tools to further her demands for higher settlement claims ???? …. She & her family claimed to be born-again Christians prior to marriage.

      • David

        Agreed, Kris. It’s a fact: even when the father is there, he’s not! That’s just a fact. My dad has been in the Army all my life (I’m 18). He provided for us, which I am forever grateful, but he wasn’t emotionally there for any of us, especially in the end of my parents marriage. In many ways, my eyes have been distorted on what it means to be a father and a husband, let alone a man. I got a good financial outlook, but not emotional outlook. That was all from mom. Men need to take more of an initiative to teach my generation specifically what it means to be a father, husband, and leader.

      • Female

        Great article, but I read it after reading your wife’s. 😉 One problem I have with all of these articles on what a man should look for is the tip on making sure she is close with her family. This one and all others mentions that something is wrong with HER if she is not! If a woman was abused as a child, a healthy woman does not need to be around her family. Healthy adults know when to walk away and take care of their emotional needs apart from abuse, so as not to marry into it again.

        Men, please consider that some women have great qualities and actually do not repeat behavior, but learn from it, move on, and become great members of society as well as wives and mothers.

        • Female

          Oops! Mea Culpa! I just re-read and realized you said she should try to love and enjoy your family/or friends…

          Great article!

    • Stunned

      Kaya as a woman, I understand your amazement at the pretentiousness of a comment such as that. The statistics metioned below, (might I add not properly cited) are just what they are: statistics. There are plenty of statistics that indicate whatever the interpreter wants.

      The trend I am noticing with these comments is the air of arrogance that wraps itself up in the notion that “men are leaders and know what is best.” It is sad that what most of these comments neglect is the fact that relationships are not about leadership. Yes, women carry much of the burden of raising a family, but does that mean men should “be leaders” to compensate for the divide.

      The point to be made is that like in all relationships, marriage material requires a give and take. You must give something to receive something.

      Give your love, respect, time, devotion and you should have the same reciprocated. If your goal is to “be the leader” (whatever the hell that means), then a relationship might not be best for you.

      A dog would be more suited for your tastes.

      I will, however, mention that every individual is different and finds different values important.

      (Just coming from a women who believes in equality in every sense of the word)

      • Kris Wolfe

        I apologize for not citing statistics. The National Fatherhood Initiative states 1 in 3 children have no biological father at home. By using “leader,” this doesn’t mean “men know best.” In fact, the definition of servant leadership might imply differently. According to wiki, “the servant-leader shares power, puts the needs of others first and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible.”

        • Sara

          I don’t think you gave off the impression that men know best at all. In fact, I think you did the opposite when you mentioned a wife should be trustworthy and able to give good advice.

        • Dennis Robinson

          Adam Wolfe, do you blame 100% of the 1/3 children not having fathers in the home on men or women?

          It’s not 100% the mens fault. In many cases women trapped an unknowing target into a child and he was not provided an opportunity to be an at home father.

          • Alicia

            “It’s not 100% the mens fault. In many cases women trapped an unknowing target into a child and he was not provided an opportunity to be an at home father.”

            What does that even mean? If a man does not want to be a father, then he probably should not be having casual sex, eliminating any opportunity for a woman to “trap” him.

          • Don Juan


            It means the man “wants” to be the father but the woman uses the court system and power of the state to deny him his children while also extracting money from him.

      • Jae

        Stunned and Kaya: I believe, based off of his wife’s version of this blog, that they are both Christians. In the Bible it is stated that men should be the leader/head of the wife and household. That does not mean that they should be some evil tyrant or that they know every single thing, because honestly no human being does. It also does not mean that you aren’t an equal. Instead “he should take responsibility for the maintenance of the relationship and help cultivate a righteous environment.” (Quote from Cornelius Lindsey, pastor of the Gathering Oasis Church in ATL)

      • Beryl Kunder

        Ephesians 5:22-30 : 22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

        25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30because we are members of His body.

        • Beryl Kunder

          So Biblically, there is no equality. Live with it dear.

          • LNMB

            The Bible was written during a time when a woman culturally needed the protection and provision of a man… because she was denied the right to education, vocation, positions of authority, etc.

            This letter to the church of the Ephesians was to remind men that they must love and keep their wives, and that wives, even if they only married due to arranged marriages or out of duty to family, should participate in the marriage state and allow the husband to fulfill his traditional role.

            Just as we now all take the “do not eat pork” law in the old testament with a cultural grain of salt (literally – ha!), it’s time to do the same with some other parts of scripture that are no longer relevant to our society in which women are culturally (supposedly) equal to men.

          • Becky

            Everyone leaves out verse 21 which says SUBMIT ONE TO ANOTHER.

            The whole passage BEGINS with the idea that we are equal. It then goes on to explain individual roles.

          • Kendra

            Christ submitted to God the Father. Sometimes he even submitted to other men. Yet Christ is not “lesser” than God or anyone else. Equal is not a simile for “identical”. Two people can be equal and have different roles.

      • Female

        Being the leader of the family is often taken from scripture, Ephesians 5:22-33. In short, the husband is the head, as Christ is the head of the Church. But, it points out that Christ died for the Church and a man should be the leader willing to do the same for his bride, loving her as much as Christ loved the Church.

        Also, many see this verse as indicating that the man, through his role as leader, will be held responsible before God for his wife’s eternal soul. It is really no different than a CEO being responsible for the overall bottom line of the company, regardless of whether he is the one in charge of every single operation. Someone has to be held accountable for the end result of profits or losses. But, a good leader never makes one feel subordinate, because he knows he cannot make decisions alone. Just like the Proverb states, “A wise man seeks Godly council.”

        • anna

          and we all know how ceo’s and their employees are equal, and they never ever abuse their status and power. *eye roll* seriously, all you people saying that equality is possible where one person leads by default of their gender are lying to yourselves. that is the opposite of equality. one person leading = not equal. that’s what that word means. if you mean relationships should be equal, then say that. don’t try to change the definitions of words, because saying men lead will never mean men should be equal (and yes, that addresses concerns about ‘couch potatoes’ too…if men are being equal they are not being couch potatoes, unless their wives are too). if you want to be a servant leader, try just being a servant? why throw the leader thing in there, unless you are leading? and why does your wife need you to lead her, if she is your equal? geez. all the cognitive dissonance on this topic drives me crazy.

      • A nice Lady

        You truly have the most correct perspective when it comes to relationships.

        I am almost 70 years old, Mother of three, Grandmother of 5 ,Foster Grandmother of 26, Great Grandmother of 3 and Foster Great Grandmother of 6 and have discovered many valuable truths.

        From your enlightened comment “men are leaders and know what is best.”

        See what you think about this:

        I guess the best concept of a great relationship I have learned is that caring Men love to take care of their women and be co leaders with women, however, Men and Women don’t always know what is best. (What a relief huh?) Both partners must come to discover, as their world and the world changes and grows, what they together find is best.

        Sharing a deep appreciation for each other is the cement that will keep the relationship and family vibrant. By the way, appreciation also gives your children confidence,

      • LA

        “The trend I am noticing with these comments is the air of arrogance that wraps itself up in the notion that ‘men are leaders and know what is best.'”

        Which comments are these? I haven’t seen them.

    • Sam

      Equality does not simply imply that we share the same gender-given roles. Unless, of course, you believe that men are designed and naturally capable of giving birth. Or that women deep down secretly hate having a man protect, nurture, care, and lead them. Or to an even greater degree of shame, the man being so lazy he expects his wife to do provide for everything. Or that instead of using and developing his natural God given strength, he would rather not fight to protect anything.

      So yes, completely equal in value and worth, but not in terms of roles and responsibilities. There is a difference, Kaya.

      • LNMB

        Cultural gender roles can be altered or changed through the value systems accepted by society. They are determined as “right” and “wrong” via social construction.

        Biological gender traits, including hormonal levels and ability to give birth, are determined by nature.

        These two things should not be compared or one used to validate the other.

        • Kaziar Rawls

          Numbers 23:19 says “God is not a man, that He should lie, not a son of man the He should change His mind; has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not make good?” You don’t believe that He knew what today’s society would be like and that He would take that into consideration when He had the roles of men and women recorded in a piece of literature that would last through the ages? If He made Adam and Eve in His image and that system of partnership worked for them, why would it suddenly not work nowadays just because some women have become empowered and stubborn enough to think that they are now capable of ruling the world by themselves? Nowhere in the Bible does He say that this system has changed, just like it says nowhere that it’s okay now to eat pork or that the Sabbath has been changed from Saturday to Sunday. Culture has taken it upon itself to determine what is wrong and right, but that does not mean that those standards are always correct.

      • Jennifer

        Wow you said it perfectly! Every person I meet in this generation DOESN’T GET THIS. haha The girls say ‘well I can do anything a man can do.” Really? You can build a skyscraper I say haha. The guys say well if she’s so worried about the bills being paid then she can pay them! Really? You don’t want to just be responsible and do the right thing? See i’ve always known that our worth is equal, but our roles are different, yet no body seems to get this. Instead of preparing youg women to learn how be attractive in a feminine beautful way, we are told to go to college to make a money to ALWAYS support our selves. Oh and you won’t ever need a man because you can take care of your self. And you know what happens to these girls, they end up with men who take advantage of them. The women support the men, because these are the only men who will go with them. Sooo wierd! Now every one misses their blessings. What happened to women loving their own creative abilities by making a house warm and loving for her family, but I guess that’s a crime these days.
        If someone asks you what kind of career you want and you say, being a good wife and a mommy, and then maybe some accounting on the side if I have time, then you get the disgusted “talk”. Yeah i’d prefer to let men be men and do men things and women to be women and do women things. This is how God originally designed it.
        For this reason and other ones on the line of this I am still single at 28. Anyway I just hope that God can restore the years the locusts have eaten away… Well He will, because He loves and has given me enough insight to break the dark strongholds of this wicked generation. Yep. :)

    • cdub

      Some people are looking for equality in marriage and some are not. Just because it’s what you’re looking for doesn’t mean all women are or that it’s wrong for them to adhere to more traditional gender roles.

    • Alen

      Kaya, we have a Swahli saying that when translated says you can’t have two bulls in one pen. Anywhere for things to work out properly, there must be a final decision maker not decision makers. Where we have many decision makers processes are slow and there’s almost always strife and as a solution we have them in odd numbers so that a vote carries the day to end dead locks. For those who believe in God, His Word provide the guidelines on how to live life successfully even in marriage, read 1 Cor 11:3 and Ephesians 5:22. This is not a religious thing and this has nothing to do with those who abuse this mandate. We love our wives unconditionally, we are partners in marriage, we consult each other on everything and God supplies us with the wisdom to lead the family.

      • anna

        do you, by chance, pretend to believe in democracy? and it’s true that it’s a more chaotic, cumbersome system than a monarchy or some other form of totalitarianism. but guess what? it’s also better. for everybody. most people prefer votes to dictates from a pre-determined ‘leader’.

        • LA

          So how exactly does “democracy” work with two people?

    • Tosseia

      God is at the Head, then the husband, then the wife and kids….The man is to lead the family by inspiration from Christ.

    • Wennie

      Men are supposed to take the lead. Its biblical. Tho there is an equal partnership in the relationship, Men have the responsibility to lead their wives as Christ is leading them. wives are to submit to thier husbands. Not as slaves but as an example that they respect God, and the husband they choose, considering that they trust that this was the Godly man they trust to follow.

    • Sarah

      This is the way God designed marriage. I love it, id rather have a husband who leads the marriage because i believe Gods given guys a strength that outweighs the strength hes given us as women. Of course its a partnership, think of it like the male as the principal, n the female is the deputy principal. Second in charge. Hes just tryin to say that the male counterpart if the relationship is often, but not always, the best at leading the relationship

      • Hobert

        “[…] God’s given guys a strength that outweighs the strength he’s given us as women.”
        Yuck. I’m so glad that is only your opinion.

    • Kathy

      I’d also like to point out that the man should lead as Christ leads the church. This is a loving, sacrificial, selfless, involved type of leadership. Of course we as women have our role to play as the church and obviously any man is not perfect as Christ is and will probably benefit at times from the selfless love and leadership of his wife. But this is the biblical picture/ example of leadership in marriage.

    • Chad

      Yes and No. The way things are set up when there is a disagreement that can not be resolved. The husband is to be the leader and the wife is to submit. .that said leadership is not all I say this and you must do that. It is to be in the model of Jesus Christ. Jesus was the leader yet he washed his disciples feet. He lead but also gave his life in service.

      Also consider leadership in the workplace. The employee comes to the manager and says Sir (or Maam) I have this problem. The employee then trusts the manager to take care of the problem and resolve it. In this way the manager though they have power serves the employees underneath them.

      A husband is also to love his wife. If he is doing this correctly he will take into consideration his wife. What her needs and desires are in the relationship and in the given situation. It can be reached through discussion… in some cases maybe not. but in the end. If he does this correctly she can feel secure in the decision that he makes.

      This is the theory behind it… putting it in practice is much harder than just knowing it.

      God Bless

    • Brittany

      Did yo read the bit where he said not a dictatorial ‘leadership’? How about clicking the link where “servant leadership” is explained, and then bite his head off :-)

    • Hannah

      Kayla, in marriage both spouses are to give 100% of themselves. But God charges the man with the responsibility of spiritual Leadership of his family.

    • Neal R

      Kaya, you have stumbled into a blog that upholds the principles of Christianity. Yes, the husband is the leader according to the teachings of the New Testament. But you need to read Kris’s whole context there. Husbands are not to be dictators. The Bible teaches that the husband is the “head” of the household, but it also states that each spouse should “submit to one another.” It is supposed to be a loving partnership. But this idea of a “completely equal partnership” is a fantasy. Men and women are not “equal” no matter what our politically correct culture tells you. They are equal in value as human beings. They are equally loved by God. They may even be equal in some skills and abilities. But they are not, nor are any two people, “completely equal.” It’s like the old adage about apples and oranges. Are apples inherently better than oranges? They are better in some ways, and not in other ways. That doesn’t mean one is inferior to the other, but they are different.

    • Jim

      and balancing. . . need I say more? (lot’s more to say if needed) Hell hath no fury than a unbalanced relationship!

      • Jim

        Sorry, hell has no more fury than an unbalanced relationship. Check the definition of (be-) deviled. Nice for food, not much else.

  • Mae Christenson

    Thanks for writing this. God is definitely working on some things in my life but reading this list is like a pointer towards more things to work through so that I can be the best for my future husband. Thanks for writing the article.

    • Kris Wolfe

      Your welcome Mae! Did you check out my wife’s post “The Husband List”?

  • Rebekah

    I really like this post. I do have to disagree with “as a man, you should be the leader in the relationship”. I feel that men should be a part of the equation, but I do believe in equal partnership. Both parties have to agree to make a relationship work or there will be hostility if one person is calling the shots all the time, whether it is a man or a women.

    • Kris Wolfe

      I’m not coming from an extremist point of view in the article. According to statistics, men aren’t participating much less leading in homes. That’s gotta change no matter what. In most homes, the woman is carrying all of the burden, but I say men should do more than 50%…that’s leading.

      • Katie

        I have to agree. It’s time men step up already. They are up to it. We just need to expect it from them and don’t engage them until they flippin’ man up. It is tiring dealing with wimpy guys. Enough!

      • Laura

        I agree. It should be an equal relationship with each person valuing the others opinion, but ultimately the man should make the decisions. Again with the input of his wife considered. That’s how I view the Bible’s input on that!!

      • Dennis Robinson

        Kris Wolfe.

        In many home situations with the rise of feminism, males are not empowered when there is a female in the situation. Females are empowered and at the males expense. Your not going to get a lot of positive attention for being a dominant male in a relationship in a female. It’s not what they want to see these days.

        I personally don’t think men necessarily should run the household. Both partners should make decisions which benefit the household and each other. It’s not whats going down these days.

        Being married is not an empowering position for a male, it’s quite the opposite.

    • Wayne

      Please correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I understand being a leader doesn’t mean your the decision-maker, that’s the role of a boss and is probably a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. Being a leader involves setting a good example, taking responsibility for the well-being of your family (spiritually, emotionally, and physically), and protecting those that you care for both emotionally and physically. Biblically God calls men to be leaders in the family, but we are seeing fewer and fewer men assume this responsibility.

      • Kwesi

        excellent Wayne!! God bless you.

      • Cori Padgett-Bukowski

        Amen Wayne! Perfectly put. I think the definition of leadership is getting a little lost on some folks within these comments.

      • Female


        Perfectly stated

      • anna

        so women aren’t called to do all of those things?

    • Ola

      Hello Rebakah, the initial plan of God, the CEO of marital institution is for the man to assume a leading role in the family. The fact that men are not living up to their expectations does not change that fact. Marriage is not an equal partnership institution and should not be. There is a special grace on men to be leaders in their homes if they chose to be leaders. Women have a different grace that men do not have. The bible says that women should submit to their husbands (because husbands are leaders and the head of the family) and husbands should Love their wives. The reason why marriages do not work like it used to is because the women have started playing the roles of men which is due to the fact that men are not taking up their responsibilities any longer. If u r married and you want the blessings of God for you and for your husband, all you have to do is to obey the biblical injunction but you can also choose to go in the way of the world. I wonder when the rest of us will start learning from the Jews.

      • Dennis Robinson


        You cannot divert the entire blame on the male. Men are not ALLOWED to position themself in a dominant or lead role in many of these relationships. The wife and society does not want to see this.

        • Beryl Kunder

          Dennis Robinson, completely agree.

        • Chad

          Just a thought. If a male whats to follow God’s model and is not allowed to position himself as God has planned then maybe he should have moved on?

      • JC

        Ola- what you just wrote explains why we are at a 50% divorce rate.

      • David

        Good on you Ola. Pro 19:3 ‘When a man’s folly brings his way to ruin, his heart rages against the LORD.’ All people have to make decisions in life and there are many influences to each and every decision. The wisdom of God and His word is our greatest instruction. We understand its value and meaning and though the people of this world criticise the way we walk, calling it primitive, religious and outdated etc, (even in the church we can find this way of thinking), we will not depart from it for it is the truth. As we apply His word to our lives and marriages etc, we can hope for good fruit to be produced. We obediently sow His word as the seed of God in faith and can watch with expectation as it grows and brings forth fruit. The fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Gentleness, Goodness, Faith, Meekness and Temperence (KJV). The Proverb I stated above makes me think of the many people who run their own lives based on their own wisdom or the wisdom of this world and when things dont go the way they like, or when things fall apart they often shake their fists unto God blaming Him as though it was His fault. The examples we see of men ruling over their wives from the past is often misleading and its this way of leadership most people object too (including myself). A man of God is lead by His Word and His Spirit and domination, intimidation and manipulation are not His ways. In my beliefs more women are dominating, intimidating and manipulating today and the man is stepping back. This is typical Jezebel and Ahab stuff. This is witchcraft at its finest, ruining and destroying everything it touches. I hope and pray that the christian homes, husbands and wives, will wake up to these stratagies of the wicked one and bring their homes into the correction and subjection of God and His word. The man needs once again to be the man and woman to be the woman, and together they must stand united. Under the authority of Christ Yeshua (aka Jesus) and by the power of His Holy Spirit we must cast out of our homes, out of our marriage the wicked lies of this world and expose them for what they are. When we can be free of its deceptions we then can help others see and be free aswell. Well, Im all fired up now and ready to pray. lol. God Bless you Ola and God bless everyone who read this post.

    • David

      @Rebekah, I am a God fearing and loving man, husband and father. I love God and His word and each day I seek to apply it to my life and circumstances as best I can and with the help of the Holy Spirit. I agree with you that both husband and wife are equal (but not so much in a ‘partnership’). A partnership requires more than one and this is not the scriptural basis for the unity of a husband and wife relationship in the eyes of God. When a man and woman get married they become ‘One’. Read Genesis 2:24, Mat 19:5 So in other words it’s no longer 1+1=2, its now 1×1=1. As they are covenanted to one another before God, they are accountable to both themselves and to God. The work of the devil will try to destroy anything that God has blessed and one of his greatest targets is marriages. You have to understand that a marriage cannot be strengthened with worldly wisdom but with the wisdom of God. The ‘husband’ is the head of the family unit. He will have to give an account for the ‘God ordained’ role and responsibility of leading his family (wife included) when he stands before God. This is serious stuff. He is a spiritual covering also to the family and so that’s why a woman should pursue a man of God as opposed to a man of the world. Likewise a man of God should seek to find a Godly woman. One who will help him and support him in every way as he makes a stand for God and His ways in this present age. Likewise the wife will have to give an account for the way she conducts herself in the marriage according the roles and responsibilities God has ‘ordained’ for her. Eph 5:22 ‘ Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.’ Eph 5:23 ‘For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Saviour of the body.’ Now if you had a husband who is not a God fearing man, then I would suggest you read 1 Corinthian 7:9-17. So in conclusion let me remind you that both a husband and wife are equal before God, But they don’t have the same roles and responsibilities in the family unit. This mostly has to do with authority in both the spiritual and natural realm. However the husband should love his wife and as Christ loved the church he should love his wife and perfect himself in loving her according to the truth and wisdom of God’s word and not according the worldly definitions of love. I hope this helps. I don’t know whether you are a Christian or not, but this God’s way and I have been practicing it for 8 years. God Bless

      • Moni

        As a Christian, I love everything about this response!! But I *especially* love the idea of marriage not being 1+1=2, but 1×1=1 <—wow! Mind blowing! I've never heard it put that way before! Extremely accurate. It will definitely stick with me, and might even become part of my wedding vows! =)

        • Cato Younger


          I hope your wedding, the vows, the man, and the “ever after” are not only what you want, but what God wants for you. Keep your open, honest excited heart and you will be happy.

      • Delali

        Took the sermon right out of my heart! God bless you!!

      • Kathryn

        Very well articulated, David. The responsibility God gives men is not something I want to compete for. It is completely sacrificial and requires great strength. The head of the family will be highly accountable to God. When women fully understand this, they are happy to step into their God-given role. God bless the strong, capable men who love and shepherd their families.

  • Thomas

    I stumbled across this tonight after I got off from my long day of work. Its funny that whilst I read though the article, I couldn’t help but go, “This is everything I’ve been looking for in a woman.” Only problem is I don’t think that she is really out there for me.

    • Alison

      I love your list. And I love your wife’s list. You guys should set up a dating site!!! Lol. These qualities are very scarce in the world today.

      • Kris Wolfe

        Thanks Alison. Kristen and I are considering doing some podcasts on dating. We really appreciate the good feedback!

        • Joanne

          Gosh, I can’t wait for the dating podcast! Thank you for such a lovely list of qualities, i still have a lot to learn! thank you Kris!

    • Kris Wolfe

      At one point, I didn’t think so either Thomas. Take hope! I found my wife who is way more than what this list can offer.

    • Charity

      I’m with you Thomas! 31 and single here. But I am not going out and buying a home full of cats just yet…

    • Kris Wolfe

      It took me awhile…a long while actually, but don’t give up hope!

    • SSS

      @Thomas we are out there, some of us have been overlooked. Sometimes these very qualities make it easy for us to be taken advantage of. Just really open your eyes and your heart and you will be surprised that the one person you last expect may be under your nose. @Kris thanks for the article

      • Thomas

        @SSS I totally understand. Because I’m the same way; overlooked all the time.

    • Jennifer

      I’m everything on this list except for the confience part, which I think is actually the most important thing to a man. I went through alot of emotional abuse growing up, but you wouldn’t know unless I told you. But haha the funny thing I’m starting to realize is that even though you never tell anyone what you went through, it’s written all over your body langauge and how you speak. That’s why I’m overlooked. The even funnier thing is that when I’m in a loving secure relationship with a man, all that insecure stuff goes away! But tragically when I want to date again it comes back. I hate it! And men hate it too. They can not what so ever stand a girl who isn’t 100% self assured and confident. Pretty much she’s overlooked and worthless to a man. haha But I still think love is real and possible and one day a man will be able to look at me and see the sparkle in my eyes and see something worthwhile. He’ll see a girl who knows that this life on Earth isn’t forever, that at any moment enternity is ALWAYS right around the corner. :)

  • Kujo

    Oooh…that awkward moment when reading The Wife List and realizing there’s only 1 person in your thoughts the whole way through O.O

    Always knew I had it bad for her but wow…the only one that’s uncertain is 9 (we aren’t dating).

    • Kujo

      Whoops, 8 not 9. She’s definitely 9.

      • Kris Wolfe

        I hope she’s single then and ready to go on a date with you!

  • Kwesi

    This is amazing Kris, God richly bless you, you and everybody who commented. GOD prompted me to look out for most of these qualities if not all but i was too stubborn to pay attention. Now i believe HE just got me to see it in black and white writing. Thank you.

  • Marsha

    The wife list and husband list are both excellent guidelines. I was taught to become the woman that would attract a man that possessed these qualities. Look first at yourself. If you met someone today with all these qualities, are YOU someone HE or SHE would date to marry?

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  • mike ahuja

    every time i think i find her…she goes away…love this list….now let me cross reference it with possibles

  • Kia

    I thoroughly enjoyed the article and comments that were shared. I am a woman and I believe that there is truth to men taking the leadership role in the family household, Wayne summarized my sentiments perfectly. Additionally ladies, I think we should stop being so defensive when a man wants to play that role (according to Wayne’s definition above), God has called men to be the head of the house. We as women need to pray for the right man to take that role in our lives, 1 who is loyal, trustworthy, relies on the word of God, etc…etc.

  • Jennifer

    This is the realest shit I’ve read on marriage + relationships. Thank you. Please keep writing.

  • J. Kasten

    You make some valid points, but I think your photo at the top was a poor choice because you’re reinforcing a negative stereotype.

  • Lyd

    I noticed that in your wife’s post she centered her “non-negotiables” around Biblical truths. Is there a reason you took another route? I’m not trying to sound abrasive, I just would have loved for men to have had the chance to read Biblical wisdom on a list of qualities they should search for in a future spouse. (But, I suppose they can go grab a Bible, huh?) Also, would you call your list of 10 Qualities “non-negotiables”, or not?

    • Kris Wolfe

      Good observation Lydia :) This list is, in fact, based on Proverbs 31. Kristen and I will actually write our articles alongside each other, but we’ve both taken different routes with our sites. I’ve tried to gear my site towards young men in high school and college. My hope is they will look them up! Kristen made hers “non-negotiables” because she feels so many women settle for less, but I’ve made these “qualities” hoping guys will draw attention to more important considerations.

      • John

        Conversely, I admire that you used inspiration from your faith to produce a concise list in your own words, instead of those from scripture. Many young men (and even some older folk) find it difficult to put words of faith into practice, so it certainly helps them to have you lay out advice in plain English.

        As Lyd said, men should most certainly seek wisdom, but they must also be prepared to pursue action based in wisdom.

        Smartly done, Mr. Wolfe. :)

  • Roberto Vicencio

    I am a few months short of 60. My wife passed away two years ago. Am not really actively seeking another partner because my daughter and her husband plus my two-year old grand daughter live with me. I find this article very helpful and eyeopening. I will try to spread it out to the younger generations that I know.

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thanks Roberto! It’s a privilege to have your input on this site.

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  • Ade Ismail

    Hi, I’m from Indonesia..
    I really like your list and so absolutely agree…


    • Kris Wolfe

      Thank you Ade…it’s an honor to have you on here!

  • dor

    Great article =)

  • May

    Great read – so true. Thanks very much Kris.

    I am a God fearing woman and I know that it’s Biblical for men to lead their wives. God says that women serve our husbands like Christ served the church and for men to love their wives like Christ loved the church. It works hand in hand.

    Some these days are too narrow-sided to see the bigger and biblical reasoning. If it’s biblical we don’t change that. Jesus didn’t mean it in a domineering way.

    Men should be leaders in the family, I know for sure that I don’t want to marry a man who’s faith is weaker than mine.

    Thanks again!

  • Bhinikwa

    Marriage is not man’s idea but Gods & It will not be sustained by man’s ideas

  • Denise

    My boyfriend should have read this before he married his ex-wife. She does not have a single one of these qualities. He could have saved himself a lot of heartache and drama.

  • june

    Beautifully written.

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  • Charles

    Add The Husband List requirments to this list, and you have hit the jackpot!

  • Charles

    Add The Husband List requirments to this list, and you have hit the jackpot!

  • Believer

    I believe it is innate for a woman to want a man to lead. No you should not walk ten steps behind him but let him be a man. You should be partners, in that both of you are equally valued in the relationship, which should be symbiotic. But the man is and should be the leader of the household, he is king and you are queen. I believe that’s how God created our gender roles and its how we should operate.

    I have also heard that a man can not reach his full potential without his wife.

    We all have something to give but we give it in different ways.

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  • Johanan Rakkav

    Outstanding! And what a delight that my intended passes this list with flying colors.

  • Tikus got

    A perfect 10 girl inside out… Doesnt exist

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thanks Tikus…meaning the man’s perception in that he will overlook flaws because he loves her so much. She’s the “apple of his eye.”

  • Sara

    Oh cool. So you’re looking for a Stepford Wife. Awesome.

    While the intentions of this article are great, I have to disagree with most of it. While I strongly believe that we should be equally yoked in relationships, I cannot help but notice that you are not just looking for a perfect wife. You are looking for a perfect individual. Heads up, those do not exist.

    Have a little grace friend. Marriage takes a whole lot of it.

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thank you Sara for your comment. I understand your feelings. It sounds like you like the intentions of the article, but the expectations are too high? I purposely made these qualities and not expectations. No one is perfect. The intention of the article is exactly as you believe it to be: for guys to look beyond the surface to the character.

  • Michelle

    What a fabulous article. Simple, yet insightful! If more people really thought about what they wanted in a partner and really used some long term vision I don’t think the divorce rates would be so high. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that men (and women for that matter) make marital decisions based on characteristics fit for a one night stand.


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  • Ana

    I agree with all of these quailities, they are needed in a partner, male or female; however, number 9 is a little biased. I have a ton of debt (student loans) and an incredibly difficult time finding a good job — this in no way implyes that I, or any other person in this postion, are irrespobsible or aren’t serious about sharing financial responsibility in relationships~

    • Kris Wolfe

      You’re absolutely right. You have the ambition and the drive. No doubt you will be successful!

    • permafrost1979

      Having debt and being unemployed doesn’t make you a bad person. It does mean, however that you should probably postpone marriage or a serious relationship until your financial situation improves. You will be bringing financial burden to your partner if you get married without taking charge of your finances, and it will be harder to slow down a serious relationship that starts to soon.

  • Nadia

    A full “C” huh? So a lady with an “A” or “B” isn’t worthy of a man’s attention or love? And you wonder why women think men are pigs!

    • Ian

      That’s not actually part of the list. Just his reference to what guys are looking for on the outside.

  • Tracy

    This is such a great “duo” of articles! I love this list – Its written in simple guy fashion, but its so precise and tot he point…only a fool would miss the point

  • Hope

    I just wanted to say that when I got married (17 years ago next week), I was not the woman mentioned on the Husband List, maybe some aspects, but not others. Neither was my husband the man mentioned on this list. We were very flawed people who had come from painful pasts. But by the grace of God he and I threw ourselves at the cross and let God change us and make us who we should be. Many mistakes were made along the way, and there were many nights when things seemed beyond hopeless. But God was faithful and we were committed. Now we have the marriage we’d always wanted (and have had it for some time). I am so thankful that neither of us gave up, because if we had we would have missed out on seeing God do a miracle right in front of our eyes. I would have also missed out on (forever) being with my best friend and the only one in this world who really understands me.

    I say this because, if you are already married and if you are not everything on the husband list, don’t be surprised that your wife isn’t perfectly displayed on the wife list. And don’t give up. Not everything starts perfect, but God has this thing for the underdog. He uses foolishness to shame the wise, and requires you to lose your life to gain it. He likes calling people who have no hope but Him. So if your marriage needs a miracle, you are in the perfect spot to get one.

  • Edson Klein

    BTW: Marriage is not a partnership! It is better described as a merger!

    • permafrost1979

      Amen! The 2 become one but the man is the head. Does the hand lead the head? No, the head leafs the hand. Does the Head want to crush and destroy the hand though? No because that would hurt them both. So with husband and wife:he didn’t give commands but sets the vision, the over arcing plans, and the wife helps troubleshoot, fine-tune and implement them, for the good of both and the whole family.

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  • Danica

    These are qualities ladies look for in a guys as well. Also, men DO NOT have to be the “leaders” in a relationship. It should be equal ground in all things (as in you should both “wear the pants” and have equal decision-making. It is BOTH of your lives together) . It is perfectly acceptable for a man to be a stay at home dad, it also, doesn’t emasculate him. Not saying that the article was implying any of this, I just wanted to give a point.

  • Rosie

    Any husband list?

    • Kris Wolfe

      Hi Rosie. My wife has a husband list on

  • SwitcH

    Traits of a person anyone would want. I feel blessed that my wife got a 10 for 10 in that list. I wasn’t too pleased when I turned that list on me, though.

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  • Jamie

    “As a man, you should be the leader in the relationship”… why? Why not cultivate equality?

    • Kris Wolfe

      Jamie, thanks for your comment first of all. I did update the list slightly. I wanted to explain what I meant by leadership, which is more of a servant-leadership mindset.

  • Jessica

    Good Morning Everyone! May i just say, Thank you Kris for pointing out quality’s men tend to look for when searching for a wife? Those are rarely taught to the young women anymore. As to all of the people clamoring about EQUALITY… May I point out a few things? First, God appoints the men to “be the leaders” of the home because in the end, the buck has to stop somewhere for our choices. Women who are yelling about equality, dose that mean you want to be equally responsible for what happens in you home as your husband is when you have to give an accounting to God? Yes, you will be held accountable for what you do, but your husband will be held accountable for the WHOLE families actions whether good or bad. Secondly, If people started waiting on the Lord to bring them their mate, there would be a lot less heart ache and divorce in the world. Thirdly, When you do finally wait on the Lord and He brings you “the one”, it is such a perfect fit you can’t help but trust your man. God will literally put you in situations where you MUST trust your guy. When you REALLY trust the man the Lord chose for you, you DON’T CARE if he is the leader or not! Why not you ask? Because, at that point he is taking such good care of you and is so trust worthy, you don’t feel the need to protect your “rights” because he already doing that with and for you! (a side note, there will be days when your man will fail, HE IS HUMAN, but this is where you have the choice to trust the Lord to know what He is doing, or call God a liar.) Let me tell you sweethearts, I did EVERYTHING the wrong way for my first marriage, and because it was all about me and what I wanted when I wanted it, the Lord painfully and mercifully let it fall apart. And when I finally trusted the God of the universe to do His job and bring me the man He wanted for me, in His timing… well let’s just say I am stunned and grateful everyday for how amazingly and perfectly He put us together. Human logically speaking that still shouldn’t be happening, seeing that i had so much baggage, and 3 kids, I couldn’t see straight. Plus I was determined NEVER to get married again much less have kids. But God brought me out of the ashes of my life, cleaned me up, made me new and gave me the quality’s to be a healthy young woman and marriage material. And during that growth in my life, God was making my husband stronger and much more patient so he could deal with my feisty self. I KNOW where God guides, He provides. And life is so much sweeter and more peaceful because I am trusting Him to show us grace in our human frailties. Who am I to show my husband, my brother in Christ, any less grace the God showed me?

  • Alejandro

    This are good bro! I agree

  • JC

    I enjoyed reading this article. I also enjoyed reading your wife’s list.

    As a single guy, listening to Matt Chandler’s series on Men, specifically the 2nd sermon of the series. It really zeroed in what kind of husband I would want to be. If you’re a married man, it could change your perspective on your marriage.

    I notice a lot of questions from both men and women here that is addressed or touched up on in his message.

    Give it a shot guys. Link here.

    • Kris Wolfe

      I saw Matt Chandler over a month ago at the Act Like Men Conference. I will definitely check his stuff out!

    • Kris Wolfe

      I recently saw Matt at the Act Like Men Conference. I will definitely check it out!

  • Jen

    Personally I think that developing good qualities in ourselves is more important for marital success than looking for good qualities in someone else.

    • Kris Wolfe

      I absolutely agree with you Jen, and most of the articles I write for this site pertain to that subject. At the same time, everyone should have some standards, and the purpose of this article is to say to most guys: look beyond the appearance and consider character qualities.

  • Kim

    Thanks for writing this very helpful to a lot of people…..I know that I am not in the norm and its not as easy for some as it was for me. Why I say that is I met and married my soul-mate at 19 he was everything I wanted in a husband and father! So with saying that I thank God He was totally in this whole thing or it might have went south for me lol! On our first date he took me to Rafferty’s I looked at him and said I need to know 4 things only because I need to know if you are dating me for fun or dating me for real??? Puzzled he said okay??? I have a list its not long and I am not looking for a boyfriend im dating for my future husband! I want to know if you are on the same page I want three kids! I want to be a stay at home mom! I want to be best friends with my hubby! Are you a Christian! Well thank goodness he said yes or agreed with everything on that list! I am sure lots of guys would have ran but I think its so important to be upfront and bold because this is your future I did not want to spend it like my mother miserable and taking it out on everyone else. I also did not come from a great family I mean don’t get me wrong I love them but I just do not understand a lot of decision’s they made for myself and my brothers because they were not good. My hubby even took that nasty baggage I brought in but he carefully unpacked it and washed it up and put it away Thank GOD!! So I have found my other half in this world and its a honor especially since I was 19 and he was 23! We are still happily married 12 years and three kids with one more possibly lol! I hope this gives some hope today that its not about a feeling you get! Its about do you want the same goals in life that includes this list believe me its important I could not imagine having a hubby that did not believe what heartbreak that would bring and confusion and constant struggle!

  • Helena

    I am all for women having equal rights and being independent. However, in a relationship whether you like it or not the man has to lead. He has to be an inspiration to you and his children. Lead his family to Christ and make key decisiond when he needs to as the head of the family regarding key issues. If you are a Christian then you should not have an issue with 1Cor 11:3

  • Rebecca

    I generally agree with your list, but I have to take issue with “she makes you a better man.” There’s this idea in our culture (especially with men’s attitudes toward women) that other people “make” you what you are. Now, there’s nuance in my statement, so stick with me. I agree to the extent that a woman could be a negative influence on a man. Someone in my own family decided to marry a total self-centered princess, and he is definitely changed for the worse. However, I think that men need to take a good look at themselves first if something isn’t going right. It’s presumptuous and immature to just chalk it up to, “Well, she makes me feel tense” or “I’m usually not this big of a jerk- only when I’m around her.” My suggestion would be this: When you are with her, are you bothered by her own behavior or are you bothered by some truth about yourself that being with her makes you realize? Does being with her make you question your spiritual or moral standing because hers might be stronger than yours? And is it rubbing you the wrong way? If so, that is a big red flag that points to the fact that you might need to be the one making you a “better man” before any woman could do that. Just my two cents.

    • Matt

      This is awesome.. I’ve always said that I’m holding off for a woman with character, and this article really breaks down what character really is. Now, any idea where to find these types of girls?? Extremely difficult for those of us that don’t live in big cities!

    • Kris Wolfe

      Excellent advice Rebecca, and I completely agree with you!

  • Jessica

    Maybe “She should be smart” should be changed to “She should be well-rounded.” When I think of “smart” I think of someone who is sharp in their brain regarding their school studies. “She should be able to hold a good conversation.” Can I just say something kindly about this? Some guys don’t even initiate a conversation with a girl, so how would he know whether “she can hold a good conversation” anyway? I would like to stay that some guys don’t even bother talking to you- they talk to everyone else, but it’s like they’re too chicken to talk to you. (Therefore those guys don’t seem to be able to hold “a good conversation” as you put it.) I’m sure being “well-rounded” can apply to BOTH lists for a husband, AND a wife, right?

  • Traci

    Thanks for a great read, Kris. You’ve cemented that fact that I am indeed marrying an amazing man next year!

  • Savage

    Points 6 and 7 are the tough ones. That eliminates half of the Godly Christian girls already.

  • Lesley

    I so agree with this article (and especially the husband list too). When I married, I was not a Christian and neither was my husband. 7 years into the marriage, I was saved and over time, I have changed considerably because of Gods work in my life. My husband has openly said that he will not accept Christ (‘because its not logical’). He also abdicated his role as the head of the household many years ago because he felt that decisions he made could be contrary to my beliefs. And so for many years, I have made the majority of the choices in our marriage, including in the raising of our children, because he has chosen not to participate. I feel that I have wasted so much of my life with the wrong person and now that we are empty nesters, it is very difficult to maintain the relationship. I have chosen not to leave the marriage because I meant every word I said in my marriage vows – ‘for better or worse, till death us do part’ but I have a deep sadness within me that my married life has turned out the way it has.

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  • Very Much The Truth

    Well God did say it is no good for a man to be Alone which i will certainly agree on that, especially when i see so many other men that have been very blessed by God to have met a good woman to settle down with. And many of them have a Family as well, just like many of us that would had wanted the same thing too. Why would God bless certain men and women to find Love And Happiness together, and not many of us? That i will never ever understand which i am sure that many of you will agree with me as well.

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  • Jason Gibson

    “Submission is not something we can do on our own, apart from the Holy Spirit inside us we can’t submit to our spouses, children, or anyone else in our life, including God. When Jesus is your life, submission is the most natural expression of Jesus’s character and nature, it will be the most natural expression of your new nature within relationships.”

  • Denise

    I have all but #6. I guess that means I’m out!

    • Kris Wolfe

      Denise, I think you may have misinterpreted #6, which is referring to inner beauty. If he’s not seeing this, rule him out!

      • permafrost1979

        I agree with #6, and believe it to be physical beauty as well. You have to find your spouse attractive. That doesn’t mean they conform to some hollywood standard, but that they are attractive to you, their physical presence makes you smile, relaxed, etc. Usually, even a plain or “ugly” person will look beautiful to those who know and love them.

  • Revo

    Good points, but I see no scripture references in the article, and nothing mentioned about keeping the pre-marital relationship physically pure. That’s a big deal.

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thanks Revo. This will definitely be a future topic!

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  • Jmats

    Just noticed that one thing that you mentioned about being trustworthy that once they cheat on you, they would always be one. What if they sought counsel and changed? Would it be wise to give another chance?

    • Kris Wolfe

      I’m all about second chances if someone acknowledges they’ve done wrong and are willing to change.

      • R


  • Chelsea

    I thought this was very insightful and thought provoking. :) I’m already happily married, but I hope my husband saw these qualities in me when we were thinking about getting married! Thanks for sharing!

  • olivia

    The only thing I’d change about this is the last item – she gets along with your family if your family is worth getting along with. my husband’s parents were psychologically and sometimes physically abuse when he was a child (he had to learn how to cook at 10 Just so he would not starve.) And they often ignore him unless they need a favor. So I don’t like or particularly get along with them – but neither does he. I don’t think that lessens our marriage.

    • Kris Wolfe

      It doesn’t lessen your marriage at all Olivia. There wasn’t enough space to get into an in-depth discussion, but that’s why I included “the people who you love and have been loyal to you throughout your life.” I also put “and/or” friends. “Family” is a loose term here which could simply mean his support system. Thanks for your reply!

      • olivia

        Thank you for clarifying. and I hope I didn’t come across as belligerent – I just think that is something that is often misinterpreted. I really enjoy the list!

  • Bilkis

    This list would be very valuable for today’s youth. I hope they find this and read.

    You are a very wise man Mr Wolfe. keep going, and May God bless your marriage.
    I would read it if you were to write a book. :)

  • DearH

    How about the other way around …

    What the wife sais …

  • Brittanie

    Very insightful! I found as I was reading I was doing a mental checklist on how I’m doing in these respective areas within my marriage. Even though we’ve been married for 9 years, there’s always room and time to improve and continue to be the type of partner I want in return.

  • Ginger

    Wow this is really good and so are the post a lot of you have written . This is for women as well. This is honestly what women want in men also. What I want especially Im a mother of two I have two small boys and the thing about 1-in 3 of every child lives in a broken home. I total believe. If we would all Put the Lord first our situations would be a lot better. Marriages/Family/Work , etc.

  • Sarah

    A sexually fulfilling marriage is of upmost importance to the majority of men. I think that there are far too many good Christian women who are all sexually repressed and don’t eagerly participate in that part of their marriage. So I would definitely add “Not sexually repressed or uptight in the marriage bed.” I know a marriage between two young Christians right now who may not make it because she hates sex.

  • Dan

    Thanks for this article. It reminds me to be thankful to God for giving me a wife who shines in all ten areas!

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  • Brent Kennedy

    I have to say as a man that if I had a “non-negotiable” it would be that the girl doesn’t have a list like this… This sounds like a terrible thing to say, But I feel I can say that because I am a guy who has done his best to follow God and put him first in all things and become the man described in the list. I was raised in Church my whole life, followed God and have done the right things, but what I have found is that, like paul, it is all filthy rags before God, and if you are going to make a list like this that I have to live up to I can guarantee that one day I wont live up to it… I wont be able to make you happy…

    To be perfectly honest there is no woman in existence who can fulfill this list… only Jesus could… And if you are going to make a list about how the other person should fulfill your needs and what they should be then you:

    1. do not understand how love works…
    2. will be miserable when you do marry…

    Real love is like God’s. God doesn’t love us because of what we do… he loves us in spite of it… Now there are standards that you should have, don’t get me wrong… But really what we should focus on is a relationship with God, and the fact that He is bringing a person to be our mate and how to really show love to them. how do we do that? By focusing on how much God loves us and what he has done for us. (We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19) We can’t love anyone if we don’t understand that God Loves us so much He sent his son in spite of what we had done to die for us, And focus on that rather than what the other person should be… Love is not about the other person, or anything they do… love is about what God did…

    In summation, when I see a list like this I know that is not a person who really understands love, because to me all it shows is that they are going to focus on me being the right person for them, instead of them being the right person for me… One thing I will never say to my wife is that God made her for me, because he didn’t… He made me for her… Marriage isn’t for you… its for your mate…

    • Andrew

      Brent, I understand your point, and I think Kris tried to end his article saying just about the same. Sometimes we need to take an illustration as just that. He made some great points. Chew the meat and spit out the bones. And while all of your theological points are valid, they’re also missing the practical side of what it means to be human. Take it from one who has been in both good and bad relationships – the person we pick matters a great deal. Marriage is not just for your mate as you said…it’s for YOU also. Instead of criticizing this post, we should be celebrating the fact that Kris has found an incredible woman and is trying to help single guys out there do the same. Sure we can ditch the concept of a “list” but his points still stand. I also have an incredible wife and going down the list, I am grateful to say that she fulfills, beyond my wildest dreams, each and every one of the ten points. Maybe sometimes, as CS Lewis says, “the problem with God’s people is not that we demand too much, but rather we are far too easily pleased.”

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thank you Brent for your comments. Most of the articles on this site already deal with becoming a better man through counseling, through accountability groups, through mentors, etc. While I’m currently writing an article about becoming a better man once you’re in a relationship, this article is for single guys, and not guys who are married. The purpose is clearly stated at the beginning: guys should be looking for qualities beyond appearance. There’s a saying, “A failure to plan is a plan for failure.” Shouldn’t guys begin preparing now for the most important decision of their lives? The game changes when you’re married, but everyone should have standards and expectations beforehand.

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  • Tea

    “As a man you should be the leader in the relationship.”
    Really? What about equal partners? That’s what all the cool girls want these days.

  • Billy

    Read your wife’s blog then yours. Nice articles but seen all this before! None of this works! Tried it all before! Tried everything! Prayed for 30 years for God to help me find a wife. Tried making a list. Tried letting go and letting God. In all that time-nothing! No response at all! And I’m not buying that “maybe He wants you single” junk either! So I’ve just given up! Maybe I just asked something too hard to do??

    • Kris Wolfe

      I did everything too Billy, so I understand your frustrations. I’m 37, so I may be younger, but don’t give up on hope. If you were meant to be single, you would know it. If it says “no good thing” will be withheld,” then take it as a promise.

    • permafrost1979

      What do you mean by “given up”? Have you decided to stay single or to settle for just anyone? Respectfully, settling for a poor relationship might bring you so much more heartache than being alone. ..

    • sara

      Honestly, dont be discouraged. God has a plan for your life. I know plenty of awesome, Christian girls who look for one thing:a man who loves the Lord. Just trust God, keep him first in your life and he will send you a wife. Also, I have learned that very rarely is it God’s wish to keep someone single when they want to marry. He wants what is best for your life…and if that is marriage, then so be it, if that is what will make you happy. What you want in your future wife: hard-working, patient, kind, whatever it is, be THAT first. Too many times we look for an angel when we ourselves are nothing close to that. May God bless you in your search for a god-fearing wife–that is, if you are god-fearing too.

  • Saty

    But the most important was forgotten, “SHE IS JOYFUL” , because when someone is already joyful and happy by nature, all the qualities mentioned above are included.

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  • Amanda

    I am not sure a good guy claims to be a leader of a woman? Not sure a good guy expects anything in a woman he doesn’t have himself. Simply put, a good guy goes for his equal, a good guy is as willing and recognises it is as much his responsibility to be a stay home parent and home maker as his partner, that there are no gender roles. That he has no more right to chase looks as a woman has…………(as I hear so much about the evil of women looking for a hot guy when guys are constantly conditioned to chase women based on their looks……..sorry no fair, not good guy). So for me, good guy is an equal partner, still a man, but nope, definitely not a leader. So not sure if this is a good guy code personally.

    • permafrost1979

      Who wants to be with someone they find repulsive? Who wants to argue over religion or be with someone with risky doesn’t values? If your friends and family don’t get along with your spouse, who is encouraging you to see things clearly when you and your spouse fight/disagree (and you will)? Who wants to start off a marriage in crazy debt?how is this a bad list? Further these are qualities to look for, not requirements or deal breakers

  • Jess

    Can’t believe people are still skipping the verse that says husbands AND wives submit to EACH OTHER. Men and women are equal as people and before God. The men who try to twist that into something else are liars. The women who think that they need a “man” to lead them are just weak people that like to live in the stone ages.
    If a man feels less because his wife has a brain that God gave her he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. Period. This comes from a pastor btw.

    • Jen

      I am not religious at all, but I approve of what you have said.

  • Jared Myers

    Don’t disagree with any of these, but I could think of a qualifier or two for #10 — namely, just that it might (and I emphasize “MIGHT”, ’cause I pretty much agree with #10 outright) say more about your family and friends if they don’t get along with her. That said, that would be a pretty rare exception.

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  • Bob

    Blond, skinny, and hot still works for me.

  • Laura

    I feel that this is just an attention grabbing headline with equally vacuous content. It is very simplistic and subjective and only talks about the writer’s experience!

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thank you for complimenting the headline at least Laura. Writing the headline is the toughest part for me believe it or not! As far as the content is concerned, it is purposefully simple. This site is geared towards younger men, and is meant to point them to look beyond appearance. I believe the article has garnered so much attention (2 million views in one month) because it, in fact, is not based on personal opinion. Read it beside Proverbs 31 and notice the correlations. You’ll find this is a pop art piece, and not an opinion piece.

  • Osama

    11. She’s funny: She has a sense of humor and can make u smile or laugh :)

  • menadando

    This list could apply to women looking for a husband as well. Just change all the “she’s” to “he’s.” Also, if some people see this list and decide their wife doesn’t measure up, that’s a reflection on you and your mate-choosing skills. It takes two people to get married.

  • Andrea

    Keep it simple people! Wow!

    Kris THANK YOU for a well thought out list. I read both this article and the one for single women “The husband list”

    I wish I had a list like this when I was dating but the good news is my daughters do!! So for all your readers commenting about their current marriages not meeting the list, this is NOT meant for you! It’s for your kids! You know the old saying “don’t make the same mistakes I made”?

  • 1 + The One

    Great list! And very very true.. As a lady, I kept checking myself againt the characteristics to see how I would have scored lol..
    Do you mind if I re-post it on my blog giving you full credit? (I hope you won’t mind!)

  • Krystalin

    I really enjoyed this article! My fiancé actually helped lead me back to Christ and because of this we have an even stronger connection. I was already being pulled by the Holy Spirit for awhile but I know god used him to really open my eyes as to what was going on. There was even a time where we broke up because he felt I could do more spiritual growing without him. That was awhile ago and we are currently about to start our premarital counseling. He also just finished the book ” real marriage: the truth about sex, friendship, and life together” by Mark Driscoll. I just wanted to say that there are always exceptions to number one :)

  • Nina

    This article makes trans* and queer individuals invisible by essentializing gender roles in relationships. EVER THOUGHT OF THATTTTTT

    • Kris Wolfe

      The content in general is universal as many have pointed out, but because the title is “The Wife List,” it was necessary to include gender roles. Some people consider “queer” to be a derogatory word by the way, so none of these individuals are invisible to me at all.

  • Rebecca

    I have read over both The Husband list and the Wife list, and have come to conclusion that my husband and I both need to work really hard. No cheating has ever happened on either side, but the attitudes towards the others feelings and behaviors are certainly something to be worked on,

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thanks for commenting Rebecca. Kristen and I went through a Relationship Bootcamp, and it’s a really great resource to consider.

  • Dana

    The part about being “attractive” hits hard. Sadly, men seem to be focused on the physical, and for those of us who get the short end of the stick in that area are generally passed over for the Carrie Underwoods and Jennifer Lawrences of the world. No matter how beautiful I am on the inside will never attract a man to my outside.

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  • Smiling Wife

    I have to laugh – #10 states that she must get along with your friends, but at the start of the article you write that your friends are the type of guys who want someone who is “blonde, skinny, hot, likes football, drinks beer, and is a full-C.” There is no way I’d make an effort to like them.

    • Kris Wolfe

      My wife doesn’t love all of my friends, but I’m very thankful because she does make an effort to get along with them. There may be friends or family members you don’t like, but not making an effort to get along with them can make life miserable for everyone.

  • Tolu

    Then why am I still single? *hot tears*

    • Kris Wolfe

      Because you have a husband so good coming your way Tolu, and God doesn’t want you to settle in any way. You keep on keeping on. Only the best for Tolu!

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  • Oskar

    I had a girlfriend who I broke up with about 3 weeks ago. We’ve had a lot of rough patches in our relationship and hurt eachother a lot so we decided that eventhough we love eachother deeply still it was too hurtful to go on. She’s not completely out of the picture though, we go to the same university and study the same things.

    We were together for about 9 months and eventhough we are both very young (22 and 21) it felt like it might be “the-real-deal” – maybe it wont feel like that in 2 or 3 months but who knows…

    I saw this list and I realized that she ticks 9/10 on this list, its so silly that our disagreement is about cannabis and psychedelics. I’m an advocate and former user and I believe that occasional use wouldn’t hurt anyone ever and it shouldn’t ever be a problem. She on the other hand seem to think it’s the exact opposite…

    I know she’s smart and intelligent but changing her opionion on this is, or even getting her to accept my viewpoint on it seems so incredibly distant, this is frustrating and heartbreaking situation to me. I know she knows better, I know she can come to a better conclusion but she’s afraid that her having this [weed is good for people] opinion would get her shunned…

    It’s not that I need her to change her mind completely and start partaking, I just need her to realize that it’s harmless. This truth is being blared at her over facebook and other media constantly but she’s rejecting it because of all the hurt that I put her through during the early period of our relationship.

    It’s very depressing that a 9/10 slips away like this from me :/

  • caroline

    We all need to stop saying the a woman’s trait of being “selfless” is good. Selflessness is not good for ANY relationship. It neglects needs.

    Being CONSIDERATE of others is a good trait; selflessness in a relationship just ends in two unhappy people.

  • Kim

    Great article Kris. These are common sense statements. People should focus on growing internally and giving.

    I’m always amazed at the 1 word, 3 words, or a sentence people take out of 500 words and misconstrue something. sigh.

    Don’t dissect this post. You can’t cover all of the issues people have and their experiences when you make a post. There are variables to everything. People just please, take it for what it’s worth.

    Blogs are others opinions. there are so many comments one can respond to, but really what’s the point. Anywho, maybe i’ll go check out your wife’s list.

    @moni, keep living your life and getting better, he will come, for you and I.

    Great life to all….

    • Kris Wolfe

      Appreciate it Kim, and thanks for stopping by!

    • Beryl

      These are not common sense statements. This is a war against women and women are brainwashed by it. This kind of talk is spread by those who do not respect women/females. These man exalting statements are spread by people who do not love and respect women.. This kind of talk is spread all over the internet and it hurts women, but women are so stupid and naive and actually join in and defend this suff.

      Women will not even support our own gender. This is not the way a man and a woman should relate to each other. The woman is not supposed to do all the work in the relationship. It ought to be a law against allowing anti woman articles telling poor women to remake themselves for a silly man who is only human.

      A man will show you his a_ _ even if you bend over backwards and act like a low to the ground slave. He will still mistreat, use and abuse a woman.Young females who are reading on this page, and old women who ought to know better, should wake up and get some sense. This article is a bunch of anti woman propoganda that poisons young people who are watching what the rest of us are saying and doing This is part of what is meant by a man-made doctrine. Men are trying to completely rewrite life and relationships to fit it for them, so that women are reduced to nothing.

      Do you females who are reading this get it yet? Are you common sense enough to see what is going on? It is not worth it, for a woman, to get in to a relationship with a man. Just stay single and take care of yourself. Women lose out too much when they fall for a man. These days men are getting worse, what with all these man made rules, that some gullible brainwashed women and selfish men write. It is oh so sad.

      • Jen

        OOOOrrrr you could just find a good partner, man or woman, that treats you like a decent human being, not a woman. That’s what I did.

  • Mike

    SEX and MONEY are the two main issues that often destroy marriages. You covered finances, in your list of 10, but you did not include anything about intimacy. She should be comfortable with her own body, not hating it, and able and willing to give her body to her husband for his pleasure. If she doesn’t, there will likely be marital strife beyond description.

    • Jean

      You have got to be kidding and I hope that women will read my comment and not let you damage their way of thinking, which is total chauvenism. You cannot disenfemminate women like that. (I made up that word to match you all’s emasculate bull)

      Whether a female is comfortable with her body or not, is nowhere even necessary and has nothing to do with you a man. You don’t get to choose how a woman feels about her body, what with the man controlled media making women feel bad for any little flaw that a woman has. What do you expect? Do men get comfortable with their hair loss and receding hairlines when they start to go bald? Or how do you like it when your penis cannot stay erect? Are you comfortable with your body then? Be for real. How did you even come up with that ridiculous criticism?
      You see that was a low blow and an unfair statement about a woman being comfortable with her body. Some cases could be as a result of serious issues, such as her dad, who is a man, molesting her at age 14. So you need to think before you criticize women for not wanting to expose her naked body to men all the time. That has not a darn thing to do with being comfrtable with.
      Now for the other situations, you mentioned, just as you want the wife to be willing to give herself to her man, why don’t you make a rule about you men willing to satisfy your women like you are supposed to and not make sex a grunt where you spend all your time doing one thing and expect for her to get excited about your boring advances. Women ARE NOT wired like you all. Sex is not a big deal for us. So what!
      I feel sorry for women you date or marry, because it seems like you put all the blame on the woman. Well, typical man it seem. Life is not about you all!!

  • wiggleroom

    There is no such thing as a good “wife.” If you believe you have one, you may need to see a mental health expert.

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  • james hetfield

    Hi, my partner has all the qualities listed as I have exhausted my search for the right man in my life. And I know him to be the one for me for I have prayed to god my whole life for a man like him. And god has finally answered my prayers. For that which I have no doubt. My question is for my particular situation, who should take the standard male lead, considering we are both male. Both I and my partner are committed to each other fully and both want to do right by God. We have prayed for an answer but have yet to receive a reply. Not to mention the state in which we live doesn’t recognize our committed partnership as a marriage nor do any of the local churches. Please help

    • Kris Wolfe

      Hi James, sorry for the delayed response. I just saw your comment. I went to a Tony Robbins conference once and Tony said for a relationship to work out, one person has to take the more submissive feminine role and one person must take the masculine role even in a homosexual relationship. So, based on what Tony said (and I realize he’s not the be-all expert), it would seem the lead role should always fall to the masculine role. Does this help?

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  • Lon

    Very good information. Lucky me I recently found your site by accident (stumbleupon).
    I’ve saved as a favorite for later!

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thanks for stopping by Lon…and I get it…super addicted to stumbleupon!

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  • Kerry

    “She shares your beliefs” I would like to offer a modification that “She is unconditionally accepting of your beliefs.”

    For we are of course unique individuals and strive to share ourselves with the world…… How could we possible have the same beliefs……. if we look deeply we see that our beliefs are always changing, growing and deepening and we do indeed assist each other in this expansion…..

    Nice article….

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  • SadMan

    A shame there wasn’t much of an internet 20 years ago. Now I’m pretty well stuck being unhappy.

    • Kris Wolfe

      I hope you and your wife have an amazing marriage, and there’s nothing that can’t be healed or restored. Check out My wife and I went through this program before we got married.

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      Thank you, and I hope we don’t disappoint!

  • India

    “She should care about others. Look at the way she treats her family and her friends. If she’s not close with her family, and doesn’t have any good friends, that’s not a good sign.”

    How does one say that?

    I grew up fast at a young age, had no choice. I was naturally by the grace of God just mature and knew better. Which left myself becoming my parents parents. I didn’t grow up in the best family but I made the most of it and didn’t let hard times bring me down but rather energize me. One of 6 most sibblings in and out of jail, alcoholics, no motivation in life. My parents didn’t know I was going to college untill the day I left to move away and into my dorm. I don’t have the best relationship with my family, they say I raised myself. (Didn’t always know it but Jesus was always there) I’ve fought it before but I can’t help how The Lord made my heart. I have unconditional love for people mostly the wrong ones. I bought my bf family all gifts for Xmas and sent my family 5 boxes of presents! And friends, boy; I’ve had my share and all seem to not be “good” people, you can give and give and turn cheeks but after awhile people just aren’t worthy of having a true friend.
    So I find myself sending my parents money monthly and I don’t have any good loyal friends, heck I don’t really have any. But what does that make me? Does that mean I’m not a good person? Not worthy of a great Husband?

    I care about others, sometimes more than myself……

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  • Lena Margret Aradóttir

    Why does this apply to women only? Aren’t these qualities something we all look for in a life partner?

    • Kris Wolfe

      They are qualities good for both sexes. My wife wrote “The Husband List” on if you want to check hers out. Thanks!

  • Abigail

    It would be great to actually have scriptures of the Bible for each of these points to make it a biblical perspective of what God wants for a man in a woman like it’s so perfectly done for the 12 non-negotiable – Husband list. That way, whether you like it or not, this will be and stay God’s word.

  • Jen

    I think this is a decent list…for both sexes. This should apply to ANY partner you are looking at, not just a girlfriend.

    Also, I am not a fan at all the the man “should” lead in the relationship. No, they SHOULD not. What SHOULD happen is an equal relationship, and if both partners agree on someone to lead, then let it be mutually decided and not defined by sex.

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  • Barbara Christel

    You said : ‘As a man, you should be the leader of the relationship’ . Leadership implies that the leader has more responsibilities than the follower. If she depends on you, I can get why you would be the leader. But if as you said, she’s hard working, with ambition, and responsible, I don’t see any justification to be the leader.

    • larzo

      There was noting implying that the woman would have more responsibilities. They have different ones — and leading is a responsibility that falls first and foremost on the man’s shoulders. It is he who can usually keep from getting wrapped up in whatever emotions are prevalent at that time. It is he who, when wise, sees the big picture and is able to let his wife rest and concentrate on the finer points of their lives.

      Healthy women who are in touch with their femininity will tell you they want a man in whom they can depend on and find security and comfort. Those are qualities a leading man can offer.

      Two leaders will butt heads. No leaders will wallow in confusion. A female leader will usually get wrapped up in inconsequential details and follow her emotions wherever they lead her. A good male leader is the best way to go as he can replace her emotions with sound reason.

      • Mike

        “Two leaders will butt heads.” NOT NECESSARILY.

        My fiancee and I are both oldest children. We both have pretty good leadership skills and are very responsible. All decisions are made together. Sometimes she gives in and sometimes I have to give in.

        Also, being a “HEALTHY WOMAN” has nothing to do with wanting to be a submissive woman. Some women want an egalitarian marriage where everything is equal and some women (a minority nowadays) want a complementarian marriage where the husband is the head of the household.

        But that is a personal preference that has nothing to do with how emotionally/mentaly healthy a woman is. And when you try to tarnish women just because they want equality, it gives Christianity a bad name and makes people want to run as far away from religion as possible.

        • Zooma Zoombowski

          Being a healthy woman has everything to do with practicing the biblical idea of submission. That’s why God prescribed the order of the household the way he did — because it’s how we were created to act. Doing otherwise is to deny one’s very nature.

          It’s good that you and your wife discuss things. A wife who has good leadership skills can be a very good wife when she uses them to help the family. If she’s using them to undercut and second-guess her husband then those skills are not helpful.

          Feminists redefine “submissive” as being a mindless slave to the husband’s every whim when it is, instead, her allowing the man to lead the family in the direction he believes God wants them and to have the final say in matters. That is a position of great responsibility and love. Don’t twist that to mean something it doesn’t.

          Nothing I said was tarnishing to women — it simply spoke of the sexes’ different natures and tendencies. Instead of trying to paint Christianity with a feminist brush so people will stick around, it would be better to let it be true to its own tenants and let those who believe it to be true to continue to practice it accordingly. If people run away because they don’t like what Christianity is, then it’s their loss. But let’s first help them understand what it really says.

        • Zooma Zoombowski

          Being a healthy woman has everything to do with practicing the biblical idea of submission. That’s why God prescribed the order of the household the way he did — because it’s how we were created to act. Doing otherwise is to deny one’s very nature.

          It’s good that you and your wife discuss things. A wife who has good leadership skills can be a very good wife when she uses them to help the family. If she’s using them to undercut and second-guess her husband then those skills are not helpful.

          Feminists redefine “submissive” as being a mindless slave to the husband’s every whim when it is, instead, her allowing the man to lead the family in the direction he believes God wants them and to have the final say in matters. That is a position of great responsibility and love. Don’t twist that to mean something it doesn’t.

          Nothing I said was tarnishing to women — it simply spoke of the sexes’ different natures and tendencies. Instead of trying to paint Christianity with a feminist brush so people will stick around, it would be better to let it be true to its own tenants and let those who believe it to be true to continue to practice it accordingly. If people run away because they don’t like what Christianity is, then it’s their loss. But let’s first help them understand what it really says.

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  • Kris Wolfe

    Riya, please go back and read the article. I think you misunderstood parts of it.

  • Chris Chilcoat

    I don’t think that Kris was suggesting the kind of leadership that people are objecting to. We’re so used dealing with bad leaders that it’s easy for us to become suspicious and assume the worst and I think that’s what’s happening with some of the comments here. A good leader NEVER uses personal preferences as the sole basis for decisions and instead welcomes discussion and feedback because a leader’s primary motivation should be the well-being of the led. As a husband who has been a pretty poor leader in the past, I see why Kris is listing this as a important component of being a good husband. Good leaders aren’t dominating anybody but are SERVING. They’re followed because they’ve shown character and are deserving of the power entrusted to them — their power is given, not taken. Following a strong and wise leader is a comfort and a privilege, not a slight, and being a leader is a heavy and difficult responsibility. A bad husband in a Christian marriage might lord his leadership status over his wife, but only if he has no idea what Christian leadership is really all about.

    Now I don’t know Kris personally and I can’t see into his innermost being, but I think this is the kind of “servant leadership” he’s encouraging men to develop — not bossing a wife around and always getting the final say, but sacrificing for her daily to ensure that she is always supported, encouraged, respected, empowered (yes), and loved to the best of his ability.

    • Mauve_Avenger

      I saw this illustration online, and I think it’s a perfect example of the kind of ‘leadership’ people assume the Bible is talking about in marriage. Just because one of you is the leader and one is the follower doesn’t mean that one is the boss and the other is the lackey. A good leader is a team player, and at it’s core a marriage and a family is a team. You can’t have a good team if one person is making unilateral decisions for everyone and everyone else has to make sacrifices. I think people need to have a better understanding of what it means to be a follower. A follower is not a slave. In fact, I believe a follower is just as powerful as the leader. Look at it this way, the Vice President- of a country, company or club- is in a unique position to advise the President. A wise President will have chosen a VP whose is just – or more- educated as they are, who can be counted on in tough situations, and whose council they can trust, because that will ideally be the first person they turn to for advice while making a decision. That’s a relationship that requires mutual trust and respect, but even so, at the end of the day, the President is still the leader and the VP has to be able to respect that. Add in the romantic aspect, and I think that is the most functional example of a marriage that I can think of.×800.png

      • Chris Chilcoat

        That’s an awesome illustration, M.A. Luckily my supervisor at work lines up with the “leader” model and not the “boss” one. I might show him that one.

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  • @izzysmallz

    Woman, this is a Mans article for us by us for. we understand what we need and this is the reason the website is goodguyswag, this article is not intended in anyway shape or form to offend anyone, it just has subjects that us as men understand. I find this article helpful because as the head of the household the man wants to make sure that the woman does not need to worry, and even when she does we make sure we are handling business to make sure she is ok, and we do not boast when we do this. and what was inteneded as for the “C” cups is what MOST GUYS think about a woman they would like to settle down with, as I have many friends that feel the same, but the qualities of a good woman far outweight the physical and I believe that is the point we are trying to make.

    • Cindel

      Please excuse my fellow typical female making the rest of us look bad. I’m actually glad to find articles such as these that show that some men actually take time to think and about serious subjects. Overall I think this is a great article with a good idea of a wife’s characteristics, that’s if you read passed the first paragraph, ladies!
      This is why we need a servant leader to speak reason to our often emotional selves which doesn’t make us any less or stupid than a man, we just need each other to keep the balance in relationships and potential marriage.

      • Ron Cross

        Thank you for that Cindel. I really don’t see how this article could’ve been any more balanced or fair. But the sad truth is that pretty-much anything that dares to discuss the needs and desires of men will be met with outrage by many women.

        But that’s because 99% of everything you see and hear about relationships, both on and off-line and from both women AND men only speak about what women want, need and deserve from men.
        It’s all we hear, and much of it is terribly one-sided.

        Most of it advocates and even celebrates double-standards that any rational, decent adult would see as unfair, and nobody sees a problem with any of it until someone starts talking about what men need and how they should be treated.

        We are almost seen as an inferior species to women, to the point that not only are we not allowed to talk about our needs and desires to women, we aren’t even allowed to do it with other men on platforms clearly designated for that purpose. It’s sad, really.

    • CatoYounger

      Its really amusing. There are hundreds, and thousands, of “man lists” out there written but women, but have a man dare to write one “woman list” and all heck breaks loose.

      • [email protected]

        10 or 20 years ago, bookstores were filled with “How to Love Your Man Who is a No-Good Jerk” type books. Nothing for men. Well, guess what ladies? There are plenty of FEMALE “No-Good-Jerks” out there as well. This article gives excellent advice, although a woman that excels in all of these areas most likely does not exist. It is all about Character, that is, Inner Beauty as well as the physical.

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  • Ixman

    11. She doesn’t exist.

  • MNRC

    It would be nice if the corresponding article for women (30 characteristics of a good guy) on your website could have as much detail and be as strong an advocate for women as this article is for men.

  • Cindel

    I’d say ignorance at its worse. You totally misunderstood or simply did not read the entire article…

  • Angelina

    Kris what an excellent article. I’d like to know why you wrote the first paragraph though. Blonde and hot with big boobs. Really? Almost didn’t read the rest of the article because of that. Comments like that are what turn women into man-haters. And BTW, you ain’t no George Clooney

    • Kris Wolfe

      Thank you Angelina. I purposely started the article with that because it’s an article written to guys, and as I listen to a lot of my friends describe their “wife list,” I hear these basic characteristics from them. It’s kind of a wake up call that there are more important qualities than immediate wants or needs that a guy should look at when considering an ideal mate.

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  • Shane

    I couldn’t have said it better. I teach a guy’s teen bible study as a youth worker at my church and we just finished a study over relationships and marriage. I asked them to make a list of qualities they seek in woman. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear most of them say they will NOT marry a woman that isn’t blonde, hot, with big breast and a nice butt. It’s the typical image burnt into everyone of the guys in my group. So I began to wonder why. And I think I figured it out…just ten years ago pornography was an embarrassment. A shame if people knew you looked at it even though a huge percentage of both men and woman view it at will at least once In their lifetime. After doing some research I found that porn producers make up to 4 times more money if the main character in their clip is a white blonde female with at least a C cup breast. So they put that image out the most….what does that have to do with this article?!

    Every single one of my guys say they have all viewed porn and most of them before the age of 10.

    The image of what the “perfect” woman figure is burnt into our mind from such a young age!

    I first viewed porn when I was six. I once had this view of woman too. Thank God I opened my eyes to reality before it was too late.

    Kris I’m viewing this article because I have a ring in my pocket right now for my best friend in the whole world. But I’m scared to death that I am not ready to lead her the way I’m supposed too, we have both struggled with porn, and we have have premarital sex before. We are now both sober of all porn for over a year now in dedication for each other and our future for each other, but now that we have had that sexual bond together its soo hard for me to step up and say no, we arnt going to do this until we are married. I’ve tried everything I know to try.

    Today we’re going to go on a picnic, and I think I’m going to take my bible and set aside some time for us to read these articles (yours and your wife’s) and read some verses to go along with what you are teaching.

    Thank you for putting this article up!

  • Shane

    Read a lot of articles on this subject. Yours has been the best so far. Pretty much confirmed the reasons I had for dumping my ex. Much Appreciated!

  • lurieya

    So I see you’ve put together this pretty article advising all men to seek a certain type of woman. Which is fine, except the assumption that all men hold steadfast in their beliefs, are responsible, ambitious, intelligent and hard-working enough to ‘deserve’ what they seek.

    Qualities that will make a good long term relationship you say, you fool yourself and many others to believe they can ‘snag’ a female they’re unworthy of.

    The right advice should go along the lines of ‘be the person you want to find’ If you are lazy, unexciting, lack humour, unambitious etc then it’s unlikely a woman with half a brain will stand you long enough to be called your wife. They say opposites attract but not in the case of finding a good woman. A good woman wants a better man. No she doesn’t want to mould one from a pot of clay, she wan’t him ready made.

    • Kris Wolfe

      I agree with everything you said. Look at the website wholly, and you will find your message threaded throughout.

  • Seduce Women Guide

    If you find the girl who has these traits, then you will be the happiest man in the world.

  • Elly Rubio

    I read your whole article, and I agree with your list. I was honestly really upset by reading the comment about breast size.
    I get it, men are physical, and what you said was probably accurate, but this isn’t a blog exclusively for men, your wife encouraged women to read it. Please try to put yourself in a women’s shoes. Women can die their hair blonde, exercise and wear makeup, but apart from surgically altering the way God created us, breast size is out of our hands. And believe me, women born with naturally smaller breasts, are made self conscious about it enough by the world daily.
    If the situation was reversed and you were a single, virgin male and was reading a woman’s article on a husband list, and said most women they talk to want a husband with a penis at least an inch longer than yours, how would you feel?
    I feel like if you want to honour the women reading this article to try to find out what traits they should work on, you could change the first paragraph to say most guys lists consist of physical characteristics of their preference. This way you wouldn’t immediately make any woman who doesn’t fit into that category (a large majority) feel self conscious and like they are already letting down their future husband.

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