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The Self List For Guys: 10 Declarations

phonto (14)

ˈselfləs
adjective

“1. concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own; unselfish.”

Be a great man, and then you’ll be a great partner. Don’t fall for the lie that a woman will complete you and make you happy. Don’t believe the myth that your struggles and addictions will end when you a put a ring on it. If you’re single now, take some time and work on yourself. Do you want an amazing woman? Become an amazing man. Is there something in your life you’re not happy about? Take care of it before you bring another person on board.

Make a commitment today. Here are 10 daily declarations that will prepare you to be a good guy in a relationship.

1. I’m calm

Work on your anger issues. Are you easily provoked? How often do you get offended? Do you have emotional issues you might or might not be aware of? You can start now. Commit to being a man of peace. Practice or get help. What would an honorable man do? He takes care of conflict before it escalates. Emotions aren’t part of the equation.

2. I’m financially secure

Maybe it’s time to start waking up earlier, and working efficiently? How are you using your money? Do you want a woman or the beers you drank last night? If you make excuses about your circumstances, you’ll have nothing. But, if you get going and work through the hard times, you’ll become successful. If you want to be a good man, be a good provider.

3. I’m guided

There’s a really good guy underneath it all even if you believe you’ve done the worst of the worst. A good mentor will draw it out. Find someone older, someone you respect, and ask them if they’d be open to mentoring you or pointing you to someone else who would be good. If  you want to be the best, learn from the best.

4. I’m committed

A nice guy is easy to find, but a faithful man is rare. Guys have commitment issues in general. If you’ve been in hook-up mode, do you think it’s easy to all of sudden become committed in a relationship? Did you know 57% of men have admitted to adultery in relationships at some point according to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy? Commit to commitment.

5. I do what’s right

What does integrity mean? When you’re talking metal, it’s the ability of metal to keep its properties under pressure. Does your ability to do what’s right change with pressure? Integrity is long-lasting. Your kids will receive the benefits. Yeah, that’s right. Think long-term.

6. I’m authentic

If you have to throw “game” to attract a girl, what happens when the game is over? All that’s left is a guy who isn’t what he sold himself to be. Why live a lie? If you’re a dork, embrace your inner dork and own it. Become a more authentic man. Authenticity will attract authenticity, and it’s the only way to have a successful relationship.

7. I control my hormones

I’ve heard some guy say they like to sleep with a girl early on in dating because it emotionally bonds. Exactly. Why would you become emotionally bonded with someone you really don’t know? If you want an amazing relationship, keep it in your pants. Research shows “sexual restraint was associated with better relationship outcomes.”

8. I have confidence

If you don’t have confidence in yourself, you won’t have confidence in the relationship or in her. Confidence is a learning curve. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it starts with taking risk. Start living outside your comfort zone, and you won’t be afraid anymore. You can start by asking a girl out. If you get rejected, it’s fine. Give yourself a pat on the back for trying, and try asking someone else.

9. I’m a gentleman

Have some manners. Practice makes perfect. Help someone in need, open the door, assist an old woman across the street, give up your seat, put your phone down, etc. If you’re only being a gentleman to girls you like, you’re going about it all wrong. Being a gentleman is a way of life. Having #goodguyswag is a lifestyle.

10. I’m accountable

In addition to a mentor, every good guy needs a group of friends who are going to sharpen him and take him next level. If you have a great group of friends, you won’t worry so much about being single either. Don’t have a group of friends? Easy. Get involved. Volunteer and serve, and you’ll be surrounded.

Once you’re set on your path, obstacles will come along. Be discerning. Don’t let a pretty little thang keep you from your focus. Every word she says will be like honey, but keep your standards high. Relationships are marathons, not sprints. Refer to The Wife List or The Girlfriend List for more.

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13 Responses to The Self List For Guys: 10 Declarations

  1. Jason H. Bullock February 27, 2014 at 8:04 pm #

    Excellent points!!! I totally agree with them all. Especially number 5,6, & 10; these are characteristics all should apply & practice daily.

  2. Ryan February 28, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    Thanks for this post! This site has been a good resource.

    Are you still planning to offer an autobiographical book in March? I truly hope so. I’m still really looking forward to the useful insights from your testimony.

    • Kris Wolfe March 2, 2014 at 11:53 pm #

      Ryan, hey buddy, thanks for checking in and keeping me accountable. We are in process of writing, but it might be a couple months longer. I did write a shortened version which is complete. I’m wanting to make it a giveaway when you sign up for the newsletter.

      • Ryan March 4, 2014 at 5:22 am #

        Great! I’m already signed up for the newsletter, I believe. Let me know how I can get the short version once it’s available.

        I’m turning 35 later this month and would love the encouragement! Haha.

  3. Jarid March 1, 2014 at 3:04 pm #

    This is an awesome post Kris, I think as guys we don’t really know how self focused we can be. I know it took me a lot of pain and destruction to see just how selfish I really was. Now, as time goes by I am learning to be selfless in all areas of my life, even the small ones that seem insignificant.

    J

    • Kris Wolfe March 2, 2014 at 11:56 pm #

      Thanks Jarid for all of your support on the site! Look forward to sharing your story sometime in the future.

  4. Clarence March 2, 2014 at 11:02 pm #

    Another post that seems as if it was posted by a woman. While I agree with these, I don’t agree with the order. MONEY is number 2? I’m not a good guy if I don’t make a lot of money? How is that different than how the world thinks? Most men I know would not put money as the number two quality that they would want a woman to look at them for. Although we recognize that women DO this, It’s not what we would prefer.

    • Kris Wolfe March 2, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

      Clarence, nope, it’s not written by a woman, it’s written by a man who understands his role as a provider. It’s a very different view than how the rest of the world thinks because let’s be honest, it’s ok for men not to be providers in the world. It’s ok for fathers not to be present, it’s ok for women to take care of everything in the household themselves. It’s not about being rich, it’s about being “financially secure” which is way different. As a man, I would encourage women to stay far away from a boy who doesn’t have his life together.

  5. Christian March 4, 2014 at 7:45 pm #

    I get your point. You are about self-improvement. Fine with me, as long as we keep shame at bay (that makes it only worse according research on willpower).

    I never said your ideas are impossible to reach, just that it is very very hard to do so (especially number 4). Just out of curiousity when you talk about a higher standard, what standard do you mean? Where do you get your standard from? Clearly you do not refer to evolution, because there is no such thing as a higher standard in that framework, only greater and lesser degrees of chances for genetic survival and reproduction.

    As far as the new study goes, you are reading more into it than is warranted. First the study has important limitations. To show you what I mean here are some quotes from the paper:

    “Longitudinal analyses would also provide a clearer test of the association between sexual timing with actual relationship stability instead of the perceived stability that we measured.” (p. 773)

    “The strength of the associations of sexual timing with the other variables in this study are moderate, and in the group analysis are often small. Consequently to state that the results indicate that people who engage in early sexual relations are at great risk for relationship problems would be an error. Clearly there are many other aspects of relationship functioning that are not measured in our study. It may be that other variables such as attachment and personality are better explanations for the patterns in this study that should be included in the future studies.” (p.773)

    Second the idea of the researchers is that early sexual involvement might undermine other important aspects of a relationship, such as communication, and therefore degrade the stability of the relationship.

    The data supports the conjecture (” … to state that couples who delay or abstain from sexual involvement prior to marriage are disadvantaged or at greater risk for sexual and relationship problems is also an error” and “The significant relationship between sexual timing and perceived relationship stability in our results further supports these speculations.” [Quotes from p.773]).

    But because it is correlational in nature its validity is limited. More research is clearly needed to answer this question. (“A longitudinal sample where couples were asked about the meaning of their first sexual involvement, regardless of the timing, would have resulted in a clearer test of these theories than the sample we evaluated. It may be that some couples were not sliding into sexual involvement, no matter how early or late it occurred in their relationship.” [p. 773])

    Finally I think you should work out the details of the points 1, 2, 7 and 8 more. There is quite a lot that can be learned in these areas skill-wise. Drop me an email if you want a couple of references.
    But just to be clear: A lot of people talk but don’t act. You are doing something, however imperfect that may be (And lets face it: according to Stephen Hawking there is no such thing as perfection in the universe. In fact if the universe were perfect we wouldn’t be here.). So respect for being in the arena.

  6. Anany March 26, 2014 at 12:12 pm #

    great points… good job

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