A Hollywood Starmaker’s Guide To Style (Part 2 of 2)
If the President knows the rules of board shorts….shouldn’t you?
You know that feeling you get when people compliment the cool car you drive, or your hair cut, or maybe you’re really good at going to the gym and working on your physique, and people always notice that six-pack you strive oh-so hard for? No?
Ok, how about that feeling you get when you rattle off sports statistics and serious insight into how your favorite college football teams are going to do this season, or maybe you don’t receive validation through any of those ways. Maybe you receive it from your insight into political or economic wisdom?
I’ll stop here. The point I’m trying to make is we all have different talents, skills, wisdom, artistic abilities, etc. and we’ve all felt better about ourselves on some level by sharing this info and receiving praise from it, right? If we’re really being honest, I’ll admit that since the 4th grade, when this kid Cameron told me on the first day of school he thought I was the coolest dresser at Meadows Elementary, I have always strived to seek acceptance/validation through something I know how to do, and it’s not sports statistics. It’s dressing well. Read on if you’re curious about whether I might have something helpful to share…
I’ve seen some really, REALLY bad board short catastrophes in the summertime, so I thought I’d impart my saving knowledge to any of you guys who are gonna sport board shorts at the beach, the lake, or an end of summer pool party in the next two weeks. I grew up in Manhattan Beach, Southern California, one of the biggest surf and volleyball playgrounds in the world. I’ve spent thousands of days at the beach and observing and participating in beach fashion, and there’s 3 board short rules everyone knows:
This is what happens when you spend your life looking at the bottom of the pool.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone from the Midwest meet me at the beach for volleyball and they take off their shirt to reveal a worn pair of Hanes tighty whities poking out the top of their trunks. Board shorts are made to be worn commando. Don’t believe me? Then believe the thousands of surfers and beach dwellers who live near the beach, not you Mr. “I just got off the plane from Missouri” and only go to the beach once every other year, but I know better.
NO YOU DON’T.
Still don’t believe me? Then believe the hundreds of local California girls who are laughing behind your back about it. Even if you think you’re cool in your black Calvin Klein boxer briefs, you’re not. Save those for when you’re wearing jeans or shorts.
Now if you’re one of those guys who can’t run commando in trunks because your junk gets in the way, well then fine, buy a pair of trunks that have the built-in underwear for support. Notice those built-in underwear don’t peak out the top of the shorts like a diaper. Or if you must, wear a speedo underneath your board shorts.
Why you ask? Cause it looks cheap, and it looks like you bought them at Old Navy, and it looks like you must fluctuate in body size if you need a pair than can grow and retract with your ballooning weight size. Harsh? Yes, but being dressing cool and hip isn’t child’s play. So why wear the same expandable elastic bathing suit your 6-year-old nephew wears? When it comes to size (how high above or below your shorts should end) or color and pattern, almost anything is game.
Men’s swimwear is one of those rare clothing items where even if you normally dress conservatively, you can actually wear something a little loud, or obnoxious, flamboyant or funny because you’re at the beach, or a pool, and life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously in these moments. I buy 1-2 new board shorts every Spring, partly because I’m a bit of a clothes whore (ok, a lot a bit) but also because I like having new options each summer and am usually bored of last year’s pair by then.
Rule #3: WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN IT’S TIME TO CHANGE
This is a practical tip, not just a style tip. Board short rash anyone? Even if you’re in a beach town, you take a few minutes and go home to change before hitting the pier for the night. You think a girl is gonna want to talk to you after you’ve been free balling for 12 hours? Pack a bag with some extra shorts or jeans before you head out to the lake or your pool party. No one wants to catch a whiff of your all day ball stink when they go out at night.
You can tell me how to workout, what teams I should root for, who to vote for, what to eat, and which music I should download, but when it comes to style, listen up. These are 3 easy rules for board shorts. I’m writing this now to make sure the beach isn’t destroyed from your poor choices next summer.
BOTTOM LINE: DO NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR UNDER YOUR BOARD SHORTS, DON’T BUY BOARD SHORTS WITH ELASTIC WAIST BANDS, AND WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN IT’S TIME TO CHANGE.
For part 1 on the rules of denim, click here.