When you aren’t the man you were meant to be….
To My Hookups:
I’m embarrassed that I have to address you that way. I’m embarrassed that I don’t know some of your names. You know me in such a private way and we don’t even know each other’s names. How messed up is that?
I’m sorry that you probably only know drunk me. Drunk me is such a shallow version of me. It’s a much more selfish me. I actually have more to give than my body. I wish you could see my true self; my wit and my heart. Trying to convince you of that afterwards just isn’t the same, and now your view of me will always be different because of what we’ve done. I wish you could see how much I care about people. I know we used each other but I normally don’t use people, and I don’t think it’s ok. Is it too late for you to see that now? I wouldn’t even know how to get in touch with you. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I hate that you know things about my body that only one person should know. I hate it. I just hate it. It makes me sick. And then I have a few drinks and I don’t hate it any more. And then I’m back to being the guy I don’t want you to know and the cycle starts all over again.
I hate knowing I could run into you at any time, even in this big city. Will it be awkward or will it make me want to use you again? I hate feeling so torn between wanting to do what’s right and wanting to feel good in the moment. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
Why do I keep going back? What am I actually getting out of this? It’s some sort of fake intimacy or some sort of watered down connection.
I saw a movie a few summers ago where one of the characters said something that I really connected with. She said,
Just because something is broken, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t mean something to someone.
That’s so beautiful. But why do I connect with that? Because I feel broken? Because I feel like I’m not worth anything to anyone? That’s not good. That’s not how’s it supposed to be.
To My Future Wife:
I might have missed my chance to meet you because I wasted my time on temporary people. You might be with someone else now. If we do end up still finding each other, how can you accept this? How can you look at my body and want it knowing what I’ve done?
I’m glad we haven’t met yet. I don’t want you to know me right now. I know I will always be flawed but I won’t be acting out by the time we meet. If I were your dad or your brother, I wouldn’t want you to bring me home right now. Once I’ve become the man God wants me to be, I will find you and I will be a good man for you.
Because of me, we already have so much baggage to deal with and so many things to work through. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I used to be someone who inspired people. I’ve chosen to get caught up in a culture that says we can do whatever we want as long as we’re not hurting anyone. I’ve learned that’s not true. Some things are meant to be a certain way. And that’s a good thing.
What I’ve learned is to find this connection in healthy ways. Through friendships, a mentor, a small group and having a sense of community. When I don’t have community, I’m lost. I’m absolutely lost. We weren’t meant to go through life alone. That’s so clear to me now. When I go through life without enough community, I make bad decisions because I’m trying to replicate it in cheap ways. And that’s not how it’s supposed to be.
I’m thankful that my journey isn’t over. I don’t strive to be perfect but I do strive to be better. I’m thankful that I’m loved no matter what. I’m thankful I haven’t destroyed my health. I’m happy that God loves me no matter what. I accept the consequences for my actions and I move forward knowing I’m not doing this alone. I don’t want anyone to go through life alone and I don’t want them to make the mistakes I’ve made.
I’ve had to wait for relationships to grow into loving, vulnerable, amazing relationships. There are so many great people in my life now. And the wait has been completely worth it. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.