One of the main characters on a show I’m watching is a good-looking rich guy. He dates a lot of women and sex is pretty much a first date obligation. He’s convinced that the attractive and passionate object of his affection will change him. Being in a committed relationship with her will be what settles him down for good.
It’s a pretty common thought process today – I can date and sleep with whoever I want to, but when I find the right woman, life with her is going to be great. When I finally get a date with The One, all my troubles will be over. Old habits will disappear.
But then, a few weeks later, you begin to notice how attractive one of her friends is. Then a cheerleader catches your attention or you make eye contact with an olive-skinned beauty. A trip to the beach or even the pool is a complete disaster…innumerable young women tanning in barely anything.
Before you know it, you’ve convinced yourself she isn’t The One after all, so you break it off and move on, often with a trail of broken hearts in your wake.
Why is it that no matter how attractive or fun the girl is you’re dating, she’s never quite perfect?
Congratulations, you’re a typical male. You’ve stumbled across what I call “The King David Complex”–one is never enough.
David was the king of the Hebrew people back in biblical times. As a humble and faithful warrior, he loved his first wife well. After she was taken from him, he honorably pursued and married the wise and beautiful Abigail – the kind of woman we still hold in high regard today.
Yet David soon realized that Abigail was not fully satisfying, so he immediately took a second wife and started down a path that led to a woman he spied naked on a roof…Bathsheba.
David pursued and slept with Bathsheba, got her pregnant, then had her husband murdered so he could take her as another wife…not exactly a healthy start to a marriage.
It took at least 18 women (all at the same time) to satisfy David’s desire for sex.
For many of us guys, it’s not that much different than what David felt. Since David was king, he could have just about anything or anyone he wanted. To many guys, that sounds pretty good. However, I don’t know many women that would want to be one of your 18. For his son, Solomon, it was one of a 1000+.
Entering a relationship, we should have 5 mindsets to avoid the King David Complex. The goal is to love one woman the way it was intended and she deserves.
Mindset #1: No one is perfect.
You’re not perfect, she’s not perfect, the world isn’t perfect, and your relationship won’t be perfect. Many young couples get a fairy tale idea of what relationships and marriage are supposed to be like. The early stages of love are as intoxicating as any drug and you look past many of the faults and imperfections for a while. I could write a book on this topic alone (and many have been written). For now, just remember while you’re single and thinking clearly that there is no one who will never disappoint you.
Mindset #2: Soul mates don’t exist.
Have you seen couples that seem to get along so well and are so in love that it’s tempting to think they were made for each other – soul mates? It’s an ancient Greek idea with no basis in fact. Experiences, cultures, parenting, other relationships, and so much more change us throughout the course of our lives until we become the person we are today. That person is still constantly changing in response to the world around them.
You’ll change and so will she. Stop pretending that if you find your soul mate, everything will be perfect.
Mindset #3: No one is going to fully satisfy you…all the time
You are going to have disagreements and disappointments is any relationship. It doesn’t matter if it’s a fight with your best friend, a lack of communication with your parents, or not being able to agree on which movie to watch on Netflix with your girlfriend.
All relationships involve imperfect people that have different tastes, thoughts, hopes, and dreams on some level. Relationships take work and sacrifice. That means there are times when you need to watch a romantic comedy because the smile on her face is more important to you than what happens in Rocky 24 (or whichever one they’re on now).
If you can’t put her ahead of yourself, you’re more in love with yourself than you are her.
Mindset #4: Men are visual
Guys are wired visually. It’s one of the reasons porn is so easy to get hooked on. Just because you’re in an awesome relationship doesn’t mean your wiring will change if you see an attractive woman other than the one you’re with. It’s not a sign of weakness or that things aren’t going well. It’s also not a license to lust.
If you have an out-of-control addiction and can’t keep your eyes off of every woman that crosses your path or away from porn sites, then don’t date.
Mindset #5 Going from single to committed requires training
As a single guy, it’s okay to look around. Once you’re taken, your brain doesn’t stop seeing the other women around you. You have to work to train your mind to focus your affection on only the Lady in your life. It’s just like training for a triathlon or working out in the gym.
You need to consciously remind yourself that’s it’s no longer okay to evaluate how attractive other women are. You also need to create boundaries that will help you fend off other women that may be interested in you. As much as you need to train your mind for commitment for yourself, it’s also very reassuring to your Lady when she sees you maturing from single boy to committed man.