How To Make A Girlfriend List
A few years ago, Kristen and I set the internet on fire when we published The Wife List and The Husband List. Both articles got millions of views and lists began popping up on every major site. Great articles are like great fashion, though. The H&Ms of the internet immediately churned out their own eerily similar versions.
Friends were calling and sharing how huge sites ripped off our articles. However, we weren’t upset at all. In fact, we were excited a list trend emerged because everyone should take a moment and envision the future. It’s important to write down your list:
Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.
I’ve heard critics of making lists, but when a guy understands his identity, he will have healthy boundaries. Making a list is one way to spell out boundaries, but how do you make a list based on healthy boundaries?
How do you make a girlfriend list? How do you design a future wife list?
Ultimately, your list is more about you than the person you want to date. A good list is synonymous with your own values.
When Kristen and I first started dating, she shared her “husband list” with me one night. After reciting the long list of several pages, I was shocked. Her list didn’t contain anything I expected. She wasn’t a gold digger at all. She didn’t write down any requirements for money, power, influence, the type of house or car he would own, or even attractiveness. The only thing she did mention was she wanted a man who was in-shape so they could hike and exercise together.
Her list differed from mine. Honestly, I didn’t really have anything written down. I had some ideas in my mind, but I can’t say they were as noble as Kristen’s…at all.
What stood out to me was she wanted a man with character, and through her list, I saw her own remarkable beauty; it gave me a glimpse into her incredible resiliency and strength. I saw her more completely.
A soul mate is essentially someone cut from the same stone as you. It’s when two people are so intertwined, they “finish each other’s sentences.” I think it’s something incredibly simple. You find your soul mate when you find someone with whom you share the eternal. More specifically, values are eternal, so it’s when you find someone with whom you share the same values.
I’ve considered what makes a strong list and here’s some considerations when you form yours:
1. Consider the future: it’s not a place most guys want to go, but think about what life will look like when you’re 50. Your six-pack has given way to a table gut, and your once blonde bombshell has now turned silver. What’s going to be most important in the relationship? Money and all of the material things like cars and homes will lose their worth. Status and social media followings have an expiration. What qualities will endure?
2. Consider the present: Perhaps you meet someone and can see an incredible future, but their current pattern of living doesn’t match up? Life should be fulfilling and abundant now. Don’t let your life be held back by someone’s current addictions and patterns. What kind of value and character traits are important when meeting someone?
3. Consider the past: You’ve probably heard Oscar Wilde’s quote, “Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” Every person has a past, and that’s ok, but it’s problematic when someone still dwells in or is still hurt by the past. You can’t let someone’s past hurt your present. On the flip side, we can pick up positive attributes and values from our pasts. What morals and values did she gain from her family? Maybe you want to date a girl with a background in sports because you believe important character traits are gained from competing?
Making a list about timeless qualities keeps us from being superficial and judgmental. As Henry Cloud notes in Boundaries in Dating,
Don’t demand perfection. Consider righteousness.
It’s not that difficult to begin a list. Psychologist Norman Anderson discovered qualities most important for likeability when he had research subjects rate 555 adjectives based on which corresponded to liking or disliking another person. The top 5 traits? Sincerity, Honesty, Understanding, Loyalty, and Truthfulness.