Editor’s note: It’s amazing how much response the site has been getting internationally. This article is by Paawan from India. I was immediately struck by the authenticity and depth of his writing, and his desire to seek truth.
If you’ve been to this site a few times, you might be drawn by the same ideals that have brought me here. I want to be this good guy, but for some reason, this ideal has been elusive for me. I don’t even know what I’m shooting for. I can do everything right and follow everything play by play, but does that make me a new guy? It’s something I know when I see it, but can I feel it? It would seem this good guy is built from within, and an act won’t cut it. Being a good guy is even more than just a way of life. It’s about a mindset…an inner confidence that is developed over time.
This concept of inner confidence is intensely frustrating for 2 reasons: it’s absolutely necessary and extremely vague. Nauseously, sickeningly blurred. Very intangible and unclear. Let us see if this intangible goal can be made a little more tangible so that we have a specific direction in which to focus our energy.
Attributes of ‘Portraying inner confidence’:
A. It is constant: if a guy has it, he simply has it. All the time. He doesn’t have to try, it’s simply there and everyone sees it.
B. It is instantly recognizable: everyone, not just women, realizes a guy has it within a few seconds of meeting him. It’s an aura. Something just sets him apart. He portrays inner confidence. In particular, it seems women see this portrayal more sharply, but everyone can instantly recognize if a person is woefully bereft of it.
C. It is a communication: it is not a visual; it is independent of a person’s appearance. It is not a voice; it is also independent of what he says. It is some other form of communication, some unspoken yet clear medium of communication.
I see no short-term solution to gaining the ability to ‘portray inner confidence’. However, there may be plenty of long-term hope if the concept is more clearly defined. This mountain is waiting to be scaled with only the most basic of tools.
The best way that I can define ‘portraying inner confidence’ is – Having a clear and comfortable inner voice.
For any given span of a few seconds, our brain has a very clear thought – one that is expressed in a clear sentence. This sentence is one thought, one idea. It lasts for several seconds before giving way to a new sentence. It is expressed with a clear voice inside the head – just as if there were 2 people speaking to one another inside your mind. For example, if you meet a pretty woman, the sentence is – “This girl is freaking hot” but is brushed aside by, “She would never want to talk to me.” This is called the inner voice. The most important property of this is that it is surprisingly easy to hear. Hence, even though it never gets spoken, many can somehow naturally and intuitively figure what the exact few sentences of your inner voice are when you meet them. In particular, women have a strong antenna for this voice, which is why we hear people say she has “women’s intuition.”
This little tiny voice defines almost every arena of life..and will sometimes display itself through an outward confidence.
It would not be too much of a stretch to infer that a person’s inner voice defines his aura. The remarkable thing about this is that the source is tangible (inner voice) while the result (aura) is not. So, it substitutes an irritating intangible concept with a tangible one that can be worked towards. But, if women’s intuition can see it, then a first impression truly does count.
Since looks can be irrelevant when inner confidence isn’t present in this first impression, a guy is left with only 3 tools to advance his cause – content, tone and body language. Most guys will throw content out the window, so they work with the last 2. The nice guy picks up his tools and begins to apply them, but here he has already committed an unforgivable sin. The game is over, he has been judged as a nice guy. He would lose even if he had the tone of a singer and body language of a rock star.
The reason is – he has completely ignored the 4th tool – inner voice. This tool separates the nice from the good, the aura from the sham. He has let his inner voice run rampant in his head while busily applying the other tools. The woman was interested only in his inner voice and clearly picked up on what it said.
The most important thing here is that she is interested not in what he was saying to her, but in what he was saying to himself.
This is because it is impossible to lie to yourself, or cheat or deceive yourself. The nice guy treats others nicely, but isn’t nice to himself. The good guy differs in that he also treats himself nicely.
The inner voice is a game changer, so the ultimate goal is to focus on what you’re saying to yourself. Hopefully this is a far more tangible and specific goal than creating an aura or ‘portraying inner confidence,’ and is also aiding me in my quest to become a good guy.