TopBar

Get Over the Fear of Rejection and Get the Girl

Attachment-1 (1)

In the article 10 Ways to Win A Girl’s Heart, #1 is “Be Pursuant,” and that’s where the journey stops for so many guys. I’ve seen some of the best guys lose a girl because they’re too scared to pursue her. The fear can be so strong that even if the girl is interested, he still loses her because he’s focused on his own inadequacies. As a good guy, take the initiative. If you fear rejection, then plan on taking the back seat to the jerk who will seize every opportunity. However, if you’re ready to get over the fear of rejection and get the girl, here are 4 pointers that will make a difference.

Invest In Yourself

The whole dating thing seems to revolve around FINDING the right person for you. Buck the system and focus on BEING the right guy for her. Don’t put her on a pedestal when you should be getting up there yourself. I’ve heard so many guys say, “If I just found her and got married, I wouldn’t have any more problems.” Addictions are going to just float away when you fall in love? That would be nice. No wonder you’re too intimidated to talk to her. You believe she’ll solve everything. That’s too much pressure for any human being to handle. Take care of those issues before you even begin the process. If you’re focus is on BEING a good guy, then eventually you will become one, and the right one will come before you.

Change Your Mind

The truth is, there are some lies you believe which obliterate your chances of even having a basic conversation with her.  In Rules of the Game, Neil Strauss points out “limiting beliefs” which affect your ability to talk to women. One of these lies is “Woman aren’t attracted to nice guys. They like jerks.” In reality, it’s not about good guys or bad guys. Neil says, “it’s between weak guys and strong guys. Women are drawn to men who demonstrate strength—not necessarily physical strength, but the ability to make them feel safe. So if you’re a nice guy, you can still be nice.  But, you must also be strong.” If you’re too scared to approach her, how can you be the leader she needs? Identify your limiting beliefs, rewrite them, and repeat your new declaration every morning. For instance, you might say, “Women are looking for a good guy like me because I will be her strength.”

Get Rejected

What if she roll her eyes, and ignores me?  

Risk is a gamble, and sometimes you lose. Unless you’re willing to take some risks, you will never know accomplishment. Instead, you’ll be the safe nice guy, and you’ll be a great friend for her while some other guy sweeps her off her feet. I got a healthy dose of rejection when I started my sales career. Over and over again, I heard “no.” The upside? I discovered rejection is just a ratio game. In fact, I expect to be rejected many times before I make one sale, but I don’t lose focus. Expect to be rejected multiple times before landing your first date while keeping your eye on the prize.

Focus on the Higher Purpose

Sometimes we’re too concentrated on our own insecurities. In fact, you might magnify the importance of something that doesn’t matter at all. If you’ve already taken the time and invested in yourself, it’s now time to take the focus off of you. Maybe take a yoga class before the event you know she’ll be attending. I went and worked out before my first date with Kristen. Bottom line is, stop striving and find some inner peace.

I took Kristen to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal one year. Normally, Kristen is a complete scaredy cat, but for some reason she didn’t even flinch that night. Dumbfounded, I watched as monster after monster jumped out at her while she paid no attention. At the end of the night, I wanted my money back!

She told me she was singing songs and reciting verses in her head. It got me thinking: couldn’t that same principle be applied to every area of our lives? You can overcome any fear, including rejection, when you keep your mind focused on a higher purpose.

Master a few of these, and you’ll be head and shoulders over the jerk.  Have some fun with it and don’t be so serious. If you’re not confident at first, act like you are, and it will eventually become natural.  I believe in all of you good guys out there. I expect success stories soon! Email me from the home page.

, , , , , , , , ,

57 Responses to Get Over the Fear of Rejection and Get the Girl

  1. Joe October 30, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

    Awesome post! Excellent advice

    • Kris Wolfe November 1, 2013 at 5:12 am #

      Thanks Joe for your response, and coming back to the site!

  2. Sarah November 5, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

    Thank you so much for posting this! Myself and so many of my Christian girlfriends (22-32ish) wonder why the amazing Christian guys seem to be scared. Unapproachable. Nervous to even try to ask a girl out. I understand the fears guys have, but let me just say, guys, take the risk! Yes, there is a chance you’ll get rejected, but in the long run, we girls will admire your courage (regardless of whether or not we say “yes”)!

    Take the risk…passivity will get you nowhere. If you’re not creepy about it, and a solid Christian guy, we will feel super flattered you asked us out, even if we end up saying “let’s just be friends.” 🙂

    • erica November 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

      Yeah, I totally agree.
      I think the reason many Christian girls don’t ask guys out is because we are waiting for the guy to lead… show some courage and strength.

      • Nikitah November 14, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

        Yep. I totally agree. I hate it when a guy beats around the bush, confuses me and everyone around me, and then never has the nerve to even try to become good friends, let alone something more. I understand that we can be a bit… intimidating. But aren’t we “worth it”? And aren’t they worthy of having a good Christian wife?

    • Gabe July 10, 2015 at 10:10 am #

      I like reading the comment sections, sometimes it contains great wisdom from other more “experienced” people. I especially love hearing the ladies opinions they give me hope that there are great girls in this world and one beautiful day I’ll find mine.
      So thank you ladies 😀 😀

    • Ethan May 13, 2016 at 2:49 am #

      Wow thanks that acually helped a lot I have a huge fear of rejection but I think that there will help me get over my gear thank you so much☺

      • Kris Wolfe May 13, 2016 at 7:13 pm #

        Ethan: look forward to hearing what kind of change happens in your life.

    • Peter November 12, 2017 at 3:12 am #

      And there’s also a chance a guy will be charged with sexual harassment for just saying hi to a woman he finds attractive. No thanks.

  3. Jan November 10, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    Awesome message

  4. Mike November 15, 2013 at 1:51 am #

    Thanks for another great article Kris. You may have mentioned this in another post I haven’t read yet, but I was curious as to how you and Kristen met.

  5. Don November 19, 2013 at 10:10 pm #

    I think you have a great page, and I pretty much agree with everything you write here. I believe your blog is one of the very few ones that genuinily has the power to change peoples lives, no matter their background, which brings me to my point. You focus too much on “Christian good guy” and ” Christian good girl” and while I understand that faith is a major part of your life, writing in that manner makes it seem as though only if you’re Christian you can possibly be a good guy/girl, and we know that the majority of the world is not so.

    I never write on blogs, but I really think you have an incredible amount of potential to influence people’s lives for the better but too much focus on Christianity will turn people off. There is nothing wrong with saying what you believe. Nothing whatsoever, but I’m sure you know that there are plenty of good guys/girls who may not be Christian.

    The advice you post here is, in my opinion, UNIVERSAL. It applies to everyone who wants to be a great man, and I do not believe that the intense focus on Christianity, even though I understand that it has greatly shaped who you are today, that your blog contains is a good way to go about enriching peoples lives.

    I just though I should share what I thought with you. Either way, you seem to be a great person and keep doing what you’re doing. I only discovered your page today, and already feel as I am a better person.

    • Kris Wolfe November 19, 2013 at 10:46 pm #

      Well thanks Don, and I appreciate you keeping me on my toes. This site is not a Christian site. While I am a believer, a majority of the people who come to this site are not, and everyone is welcome into my Internet home; so yes, the posts are meant to be universal. I will, however, incorporate spiritual themes because the concept of this site is based on a man with mind, body, and soul.

  6. Wilfred January 15, 2014 at 8:41 pm #

    I’ve always been scared of the approach or do anything bold. Hope that will change one day.

  7. fearless hearth February 19, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    WoW! great post. i always see her, but i cannot talk to her
    i hope i’m not to late to talk to her.

  8. Rick July 17, 2015 at 11:18 pm #

    The fear of be rejected is the main reason because a lot of guys stay away from some new girls because a lot of chances of be rejected. it´s better to know when is right to try it.

    I´ts better don´t try when you are the only one interested but she ignores you or don´t know her opinion
    therefore it´s better look for the “signs of atraction” in both even if perfect strangers. Sure the “technic of be rejected until catch one could works, but it is not wise you lose your appeal, it´s better that she also choice you too.-
    then it´s better learn when some girl “wants”you”.
    Learn the signs that she sends to you, then all is easy
    .-

  9. John M. October 12, 2015 at 10:03 pm #

    I think it needs to be said that many of the girls of this “electronic” age are much crueler and unfeeling than those of generations past. Movies are an incredible tool for male bashing and female dominance…. hence boys are being conditioned to believe that rejection should be their lot in life, along with goddess worship. I’m paraphrasing a great man of God (C.S. Lewis) when I say, …. “They neuter the bull, then complain there are only cows”.

    • LEONARD August 27, 2016 at 3:28 am #

      Mr. John M. — Wow! I guess I never quite heard it put that way. I have a nice home and a good job ,but I cannot even imagine spending any time with a woman. There are differences between the genders,and I think that I understand that, but ANY attempt at a decent conversation becomes a horrible minefield. You certainly got it right!

    • Kris Wolfe August 29, 2016 at 5:38 pm #

      Yes, I definitely see much more male bashing in movies, even recent Disney movies. I’m not entirely sure women are that much kinder today, though. The term “gold digger” came about in the 20s. Some women have always taken advantage of the dating system.

  10. The Real Truth Was Just Told September 12, 2016 at 7:52 pm #

    With many women nowadays that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and so very power money which really explains why many Good men like us Fail with women since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less.

  11. Paul October 10, 2016 at 12:40 am #

    I never approach women because many assume all men are rapists and will call the police / press charges if a guy so much as says ‘hi’. This happens a lot in America and case law is very much on women’s side. Rejection is one thing… risking reputation / career / community just by being friendly to another human being is another and it’s not worth it.

  12. Arthur February 5, 2017 at 3:48 am #

    The author says, “expect to be rejected multiple times before landing your first date while keeping your eye on the prize” – which is great advice. But what of us for whom the reality is that we NEVER get a yes, and NEVER get a date no matter what we do, or how long we try? I’ve tried 1000s of times, and been rejected EVERY time. When should I just give up an accept that I’m going to be forever alone and chronically single.

    • Kris Wolfe February 13, 2017 at 9:30 am #

      Arthur: never give up. I can understand your hopelessness. I’ve been there before and was rejected over and over again. But, when I gave up hope, I made a lot of mistakes I regret today. Needless to say, God gave me His very best.

      • Arthur March 3, 2017 at 2:15 am #

        Good for you, Kris. I don’t believe you’ve been where I am – you’re now with a wonderful woman. Not every guy is that lucky – I’ve concluded that no woman is worth another nasty rejection. I’m not scared of rejection – I’ve just had enough and am sick and tired of it – so I’m throwing in the towel for good.

        • Kris Wolfe March 8, 2017 at 5:36 pm #

          No doubt, I feel extremely lucky. I don’t know how much rejection you’ve experienced, so I can’t walk in your shoes. But, I’ve been in sales for 17 years. I only bring that up because it was only after I received constant rejection through my job and came out fine on the other side that I realized rejection is only practice. Don’t lose hope because of rejection. Consider it practice for the one you’re eventually going to date. Don’t underestimate hope and mindset.

          • Arthur March 29, 2017 at 1:43 am #

            There is no ‘one I’m eventually going to date’. No woman could ever want me and being rejected by every woman I’ve asked out over 2 decades has proven it. I’m not going to get rejected again because I’m sick of the pain – why bother. I’m not attractive to any woman – guaranteed – so I’ve stopped trying to fool myself with “maybe the next one will say yes” crap.

  13. AJ April 24, 2017 at 1:35 am #

    I have never approached any woman in my life (I’m 32). There’s simply no point because no woman could ever be attracted to me. I’m not scared of rejection – I just know it’s inevitable every time. The idea that every guy can get a date if we ask enough women is completely false – some of us can’t. Please don’t advise me to try – I won’t do that – I’m just plain unlovable.

    • Kris Wolfe May 7, 2017 at 9:21 pm #

      I disagree with you. Men live under a false narrative that they have to look or act a certain way. The only act ever required is courage and confidence. It can happen, but it does require you to change your mind.

  14. AJ May 15, 2017 at 1:56 am #

    I certainly don’t believe I need to look or act any way – far from it – and I would never be anything other than myself anyway. The fact is though, for those like me who could never attract any woman no matter what however, this is of no consequence. “Ask her out. If you ask her out, she will say yes or no…” I am constantly told. The fact is, there is zero point bothering when there is a 100% probability of “no” every time no matter what.

    • Kris Wolfe May 23, 2017 at 5:30 pm #

      AJ, someone is out there. She might not be easy to find and she might look nothing like you’d expect, but she’ll be beyond your comprehension and you will be amazed. But don’t lose hope. Your efforts don’t have to be fruitless.

      • AJ June 6, 2017 at 12:46 am #

        Thanks Kris. That might work for some guys – but it won’t for me. I’m not about to put myself out there with the goal of being rejected – not a chance. If I thought there was even a 1% chance of getting a “yes”, I’d ask a woman out – I really would – but the fact is, there is no woman out there for me – that’s just the way it is. There is no hope for me to lose – I never had any to begin with. Thinking that success with a woman might be a distant possibility for me is delusional.

        • Kris Wolfe June 8, 2017 at 4:31 am #

          I just posted this great quote from Zig Ziglar on Instagram: “You do not have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Rejection is always on the path to greatness.

          • AJ July 14, 2017 at 8:06 pm #

            Not sure what to make of this, Kris – you keep on talking as of there is hope I’ll find her some day. I’ve already told you that I will never find her – because she doesn’t exist – no woman anywhere could want me. Please don’t tell me to try meeting women (it doesn’t work), to go and get rejected on some journey to relationship-land, or any other such ‘advice’. I just want some ideas on how to cope with my involuntary state of permanent aloneness.

          • Kris Wolfe July 16, 2017 at 10:39 pm #

            We might disagree a bit. I believe mindset can be more important than circumstances or situation. However, whatever you choose, I believe you can find confidence and peace in the situation.

  15. James July 9, 2017 at 2:56 am #

    There’s no point in dreaming of asking for any girl’s number when you can’t even say hello in the first place. Nope, not even a distant possibility for a painfully shy introvert like me – I’m completely invisible to all women.

  16. Emilio September 3, 2017 at 4:02 am #

    I’ve always been extremely introverted and as such am more or less invisible wherever I go. I really have no idea how to ‘make it sexual’, even with women I find very attractive. I am unable to flirt at all – and so have never been able to express my attraction to a woman. I literally cannot imagine any woman being attracted to me – even when I try to do so. This is why I am doomed to be alone forever.

    • Andre January 28, 2018 at 8:06 am #

      I haven’t asked any girl to go on a date with me. The only girl I asked was my coworker to a dance. That was a success however I didn’t do any asking after that. The problem for me is that I don’t hang out with groups of people as much and I’m afraid they may think I’m creepy because I may have not known them long enough as in talk to them more than once. But after reading these comments I understand that just because I’m introverted doesn’t mean I can’t do things with others and already have a low self of stem to get rejected. I’ve been thinking on this myself and what you need to believe is that you have flaws but so does she. Have a mindset where you know you. You like her go for it. Some people talk. So what? You are who you are.

      • Arthur February 3, 2018 at 3:59 am #

        Good for you, Andre – you asked her out and she said yes! That’s 100% more dates than I’ll ever have. Be happy that you’re attractive enough for one woman to go out with you. I’ll never have that because I cannot ask a woman out – there’s no point anyway because rejection would be guaranteed 100% of the time and I’d probably be accused of – if not charged with – sexual harassment.

  17. joey February 5, 2018 at 1:51 pm #

    should I stop courting a girl who rejected me?

    • Kris Wolfe February 6, 2018 at 6:10 pm #

      How did she reject you or what did she say?

  18. Ben March 6, 2018 at 1:47 am #

    Just how does one ‘fake’ being confident? A guy either is, or is not, confident. Pretending to be something you are not is lying to yourself and the person you’re trying to attract – which is something women are much better than men at detecting. And they don’t like it. It would be helpful, Kris, if you could give some tips on how to actually become authentically confident.

    • Kris Wolfe March 15, 2018 at 7:01 pm #

      I think you’re right. A guy has some confidence or no confidence, and it’s important to have a smidgeon of confidence to spark something greater. Courage might be a better example because everyone is scared, but how many allow it to stop them dead in their tracks. You can find some good TedTalks on how posture and demeanor can influence confidence. Being authentically confident is fully accepting where you come up short as well.

  19. Allen May 14, 2018 at 2:01 am #

    I’m constantly reading posts all over the internet that tell guys like me to change my ‘limiting beliefs’ about myself. This ‘advice’ is written mainly by well-meaning people who have never been introverted or shy at all and as such have had ‘normal’ experiences with women, some of whom have shown clear signs of interest in these guys, which contributed to the guy’s image of himself as someone who can attract women. They have no idea what it’s actually like to be invisible to women because they’ve never been there. In my case, I have never had any woman show even the slightest interest in me – I am totally invisible to them. I never show interest in them either because the fact is, if an extremely introverted guy like me just says hello to a woman, in our society, there’s a 50/50 chance she’ll scream at me on public and accuse me of sexual harassment. This is true and I’ve personally seen it happen.

    • Kris Wolfe May 14, 2018 at 7:06 am #

      Allen, I can somewhat understand how you feel, although I’ve probably been an extrovert my whole life, albeit a very lonely and therefore miserable one through a long stretch. My wife is an introvert, but shy and introverted don’t necessarily go together. She can be much better than me in social situations. But extroverted and confident do seem to go more hand in hand. At the end of the day, confidence usually wins over every other factor. Do you feel like you are confident?

      • Allen May 14, 2018 at 11:50 pm #

        Thank you for responding, Kris. As I said, I am an extreme introvert as well as very shy. A friend of mine who’s also an introvert told me of how he went up to a woman at a bus stop a few weeks ago to ask her what time it was (his phone was dead) and he wanted to know how long until the next bus. She thought it was a pickup line, and screamed at him in front of several other people in public. He walked home because she totally freaked him out.

        I don’t expect an extrovert to understand this, but for guys like us, for whom just saying hi to a woman takes every ounce of courage we have, this completely shuts us down, and frankly it’s that sort of thing I remember when I think of talking to someone I find attractive – so no, I don’t feel confident at all. How could I possibly feel confident around women when these are some of the stories Ive heard (or situations I’ve seen) about guys like me who have tried? I’ve always been completely invisible to women and no interest had ever been shown in me – not once in high school, college, graduate school, or now at work.

        • Kris Wolfe May 15, 2018 at 8:00 pm #

          If I could recommend working on one thing, it would be confidence. You can’t change the fact you are introvert, but you can absolutely impact your personal confidence. Without it, winning a girl’s heart would be incredibly difficult.

          • Allen May 17, 2018 at 12:57 am #

            And how, given what I’ve said above, would you suggest I work on my confidence? I’m confident in other areas of my life and am successful in my profession – but none of that mitigates the fact that whenever I think of approaching a woman I’m attracted to, I think of those horrible instances (I’ve experienced them too), and just walk away, every time. It’s excruciating enough to walk up to an attractive woman without reliving humiliating moments. Try doing it with first hand memories of it combined with zero positive experience of any woman ever showing interest in me.

          • Kris Wolfe May 18, 2018 at 1:54 am #

            Before I answer, how did you build confidence in other areas of your life? Why are you confident in your profession?

          • Allen May 19, 2018 at 1:44 am #

            (Responding to your May 18 question). I am confident in my profession because I spent many years in school studying. Top marks on exams, papers and the clear understanding of the subject and practice I gained through study (clear evidence of success) gave me confidence to go forward. In other areas of my life, research, successful outcomes obtained through experimentation and practice (again, demonstrable evidence) have given me confidence. With women, there is zero evidence from any period of my life that I could ever be attractive or of the slightest interest to any woman, therefore I do not feel confident.

          • Kris Wolfe May 21, 2018 at 8:09 am #

            Years, experimenting, and practice…these are what gave you confidence in your profession. I think these same principles can give us confidence in any area of our lives. The evidence might not be there currently, but it takes practice, even in the face of hurtful rejection. Even then, it’s not perfect. I get rejected constantly in my sales job, but I just keep at it…because I have to see a bigger picture otherwise I wouldn’t have hope at all.

  20. Allen May 21, 2018 at 8:59 pm #

    Hurtful rejection is not the same as false accusations of harassment, Kris. I have lots of true stories from my friends, almost all of whom are extreme introverts like me. It really seems that if a guy doesn’t already possess a strong sense of confidence, just saying hi to a woman can literally put him in a situation of potential serious jeopardy. While I don’t think that’s what you’re suggesting I do, please understand that I’ve heard (and or witnessed) enough situations that ‘practice’ really does look very much like playing with fire to a guy like me who has zero experience whatsoever with approaching / asking women out. Unless there is demonstrable evidence a woman wants me to talk to her (which there never is), I’m not about to chance getting a criminal record (the bigger picture) just for saying hi.

    One assumes that for (most) guys who begin as teenagers, who experiment while young, and gain an image of themselves as attractive to women (and thus confidence around them), the paralyzingly nervousness that guys like me experience twenty years later doesn’t have the same effect on the (teenage) women they’re approaching – maybe because it’s more the norm and thus expected (?) – and so the (potential) seriousness of the risks are much lower. The risk is limited to, as you say, “hurtful rejection”, not destruction of social network, loss of job, etc. – which are real risks of a harassment accusation.

    • Kris Wolfe May 22, 2018 at 4:28 pm #

      No doubt, we are in a new era. You should be thoughtful and careful in a work environment. But approaching a woman and saying “hello” is not grounds for harassment. But if you’re concerned about this, you don’t have to begin with women. I would recommend striking up conversations with people while you’re waiting for a flight, getting coffee, etc. You have to start somewhere.

      • Allen May 23, 2018 at 12:53 pm #

        Not just the work environment, Kris – any environment. You’re correct in asserting that saying ‘hello’ is not grounds for any legal issues, but we live in a world where we’re told that the right thing to do is to believe accusers. What this means is that whether there are ‘grounds’ for anything or not, the person accused is presumed to have stepped out of line, and consequences that have nothing to do with the legal / judicial system (but are arguably more damaging to the [falsely] accused) are applied immediately and with far reaching impact. To be sure, I completely agree with calling out men who do not treat women respectfully – I have done it myself in several situations. These guys deserve to be stopped in their tracks and made to change their ways, make amends, etc.

        To your suggestion that I not start with women, thank you. I assure you that I have many friends both male and female, and that striking up transitory conversations is not a problem for me – it’s approaching women I find attractive with a view to gettimg to know them as people, and maybe more – that is. As you implicitly say, context is central to interpretation of messages. My being an extreme introvert with zero evidence that any woman has ever been interested in me gives me, in an overall context where ‘trying’ might very well lead to a false accusation that could damage the fabric of my life makes it an impossibly difficult situation even harder.

  21. Richard June 26, 2018 at 1:45 am #

    I’m 37 and have never had a girlfriend or sex – or even been kissed. I’m not the kind of guy who’s willing to pay for it – which is the only way I could ever have any form of physical intimacy. No woman could ever want me, so I never ask women out because rejection – at a bare minimum is always guaranteed – if not worse.

    Online dating is a complete waste of time for me – no woman would ever look at me – and if I were to message a woman, there is no chance whatsoever I’d get a reply. Other guys get dates, girlfriends, etc., because they are attractive men – at least to somebody. I am fundamentally unattractive to women, so please don’t tell me that dating is a numbers game, to gain confidence, or to put myself out there and get rejected every time forever. There is zero chance any woman could be sexually attracted to me, so there is no point in trying.

    • Kris Wolfe June 30, 2018 at 5:49 pm #

      I don’t think there is a point in trying if your mentality is already geared towards failure. Rejection? It happens to everyone, but it can also be a great learning opportunity. When I began working in sales, I finally got over the fear of rejection. If you gear your life towards improvement and begin taking more risks, you will build yourself into a man women are attracted to.

      • Richard July 1, 2018 at 9:44 pm #

        Failure is not the orientation of my mindset – acceptance of reality is. If I was the only man on earth, maybe it would be worthwhile to focus on improving myself, but since every woman can choose from hundreds of men, there is zero point for me to try at all – other guys are – or can become – attractive men (to one or more women). The fact is, I am not attractive to anybody and cannot be.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Dynamic Dual of Social Dysfunction: Catcallers and their Protesters – Erik Kondo - November 18, 2014

    […] in catcalling, do it out of social inadequacy and social incompetence? By saying “Hello”, they set themselves up to be rejected. “Hello baby!” leaves no room for rejection. They are able to establish a sexual context to an […]

Leave a Reply