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Get Over the Fear of Rejection and Get the Girl

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In the article 10 Ways to Win A Girl’s Heart, #1 is “Be Pursuant,” and that’s where the journey stops for so many guys. I’ve seen some of the best guys lose a girl because they’re too scared to pursue her. The fear can be so strong that even if the girl is interested, he still loses her because he’s focused on his own inadequacies. As a good guy, take the initiative. If you fear rejection, then plan on taking the back seat to the jerk who will seize every opportunity. However, if you’re ready to get over the fear of rejection and get the girl, here are 4 pointers that will make a difference.

Invest In Yourself

The whole dating thing seems to revolve around FINDING the right person for you. Buck the system and focus on BEING the right guy for her. Don’t put her on a pedestal when you should be getting up there yourself. I’ve heard so many guys say, “If I just found her and got married, I wouldn’t have any more problems.” Addictions are going to just float away when you fall in love? That would be nice. No wonder you’re too intimidated to talk to her. You believe she’ll solve everything. That’s too much pressure for any human being to handle. Take care of those issues before you even begin the process. If you’re focus is on BEING a good guy, then eventually you will become one, and the right one will come before you.

Change Your Mind

The truth is, there are some lies you believe which obliterate your chances of even having a basic conversation with her.  In Rules of the Game, Neil Strauss points out “limiting beliefs” which affect your ability to talk to women. One of these lies is “Woman aren’t attracted to nice guys. They like jerks.” In reality, it’s not about good guys or bad guys. Neil says, “it’s between weak guys and strong guys. Women are drawn to men who demonstrate strength—not necessarily physical strength, but the ability to make them feel safe. So if you’re a nice guy, you can still be nice.  But, you must also be strong.” If you’re too scared to approach her, how can you be the leader she needs? Identify your limiting beliefs, rewrite them, and repeat your new declaration every morning. For instance, you might say, “Women are looking for a good guy like me because I will be her strength.”

Get Rejected

What if she roll her eyes, and ignores me?  

Risk is a gamble, and sometimes you lose. Unless you’re willing to take some risks, you will never know accomplishment. Instead, you’ll be the safe nice guy, and you’ll be a great friend for her while some other guy sweeps her off her feet. I got a healthy dose of rejection when I started my sales career. Over and over again, I heard “no.” The upside? I discovered rejection is just a ratio game. In fact, I expect to be rejected many times before I make one sale, but I don’t lose focus. Expect to be rejected multiple times before landing your first date while keeping your eye on the prize.

Focus on the Higher Purpose

Sometimes we’re too concentrated on our own insecurities. In fact, you might magnify the importance of something that doesn’t matter at all. If you’ve already taken the time and invested in yourself, it’s now time to take the focus off of you. Maybe take a yoga class before the event you know she’ll be attending. I went and worked out before my first date with Kristen. Bottom line is, stop striving and find some inner peace.

I took Kristen to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal one year. Normally, Kristen is a complete scaredy cat, but for some reason she didn’t even flinch that night. Dumbfounded, I watched as monster after monster jumped out at her while she paid no attention. At the end of the night, I wanted my money back!

She told me she was singing songs and reciting verses in her head. It got me thinking: couldn’t that same principle be applied to every area of our lives? You can overcome any fear, including rejection, when you keep your mind focused on a higher purpose.

Master a few of these, and you’ll be head and shoulders over the jerk.  Have some fun with it and don’t be so serious. If you’re not confident at first, act like you are, and it will eventually become natural.  I believe in all of you good guys out there. I expect success stories soon! Email me from the home page.

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32 Responses to Get Over the Fear of Rejection and Get the Girl

  1. Joe October 30, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

    Awesome post! Excellent advice

    • Kris Wolfe November 1, 2013 at 5:12 am #

      Thanks Joe for your response, and coming back to the site!

  2. Sarah November 5, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

    Thank you so much for posting this! Myself and so many of my Christian girlfriends (22-32ish) wonder why the amazing Christian guys seem to be scared. Unapproachable. Nervous to even try to ask a girl out. I understand the fears guys have, but let me just say, guys, take the risk! Yes, there is a chance you’ll get rejected, but in the long run, we girls will admire your courage (regardless of whether or not we say “yes”)!

    Take the risk…passivity will get you nowhere. If you’re not creepy about it, and a solid Christian guy, we will feel super flattered you asked us out, even if we end up saying “let’s just be friends.” 🙂

    • erica November 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

      Yeah, I totally agree.
      I think the reason many Christian girls don’t ask guys out is because we are waiting for the guy to lead… show some courage and strength.

      • Nikitah November 14, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

        Yep. I totally agree. I hate it when a guy beats around the bush, confuses me and everyone around me, and then never has the nerve to even try to become good friends, let alone something more. I understand that we can be a bit… intimidating. But aren’t we “worth it”? And aren’t they worthy of having a good Christian wife?

    • Gabe July 10, 2015 at 10:10 am #

      I like reading the comment sections, sometimes it contains great wisdom from other more “experienced” people. I especially love hearing the ladies opinions they give me hope that there are great girls in this world and one beautiful day I’ll find mine.
      So thank you ladies 😀 😀

    • Ethan May 13, 2016 at 2:49 am #

      Wow thanks that acually helped a lot I have a huge fear of rejection but I think that there will help me get over my gear thank you so much☺

      • Kris Wolfe May 13, 2016 at 7:13 pm #

        Ethan: look forward to hearing what kind of change happens in your life.

  3. Jan November 10, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    Awesome message

  4. Mike November 15, 2013 at 1:51 am #

    Thanks for another great article Kris. You may have mentioned this in another post I haven’t read yet, but I was curious as to how you and Kristen met.

  5. Don November 19, 2013 at 10:10 pm #

    I think you have a great page, and I pretty much agree with everything you write here. I believe your blog is one of the very few ones that genuinily has the power to change peoples lives, no matter their background, which brings me to my point. You focus too much on “Christian good guy” and ” Christian good girl” and while I understand that faith is a major part of your life, writing in that manner makes it seem as though only if you’re Christian you can possibly be a good guy/girl, and we know that the majority of the world is not so.

    I never write on blogs, but I really think you have an incredible amount of potential to influence people’s lives for the better but too much focus on Christianity will turn people off. There is nothing wrong with saying what you believe. Nothing whatsoever, but I’m sure you know that there are plenty of good guys/girls who may not be Christian.

    The advice you post here is, in my opinion, UNIVERSAL. It applies to everyone who wants to be a great man, and I do not believe that the intense focus on Christianity, even though I understand that it has greatly shaped who you are today, that your blog contains is a good way to go about enriching peoples lives.

    I just though I should share what I thought with you. Either way, you seem to be a great person and keep doing what you’re doing. I only discovered your page today, and already feel as I am a better person.

    • Kris Wolfe November 19, 2013 at 10:46 pm #

      Well thanks Don, and I appreciate you keeping me on my toes. This site is not a Christian site. While I am a believer, a majority of the people who come to this site are not, and everyone is welcome into my Internet home; so yes, the posts are meant to be universal. I will, however, incorporate spiritual themes because the concept of this site is based on a man with mind, body, and soul.

  6. Wilfred January 15, 2014 at 8:41 pm #

    I’ve always been scared of the approach or do anything bold. Hope that will change one day.

  7. fearless hearth February 19, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    WoW! great post. i always see her, but i cannot talk to her
    i hope i’m not to late to talk to her.

  8. Rick July 17, 2015 at 11:18 pm #

    The fear of be rejected is the main reason because a lot of guys stay away from some new girls because a lot of chances of be rejected. it´s better to know when is right to try it.

    I´ts better don´t try when you are the only one interested but she ignores you or don´t know her opinion
    therefore it´s better look for the “signs of atraction” in both even if perfect strangers. Sure the “technic of be rejected until catch one could works, but it is not wise you lose your appeal, it´s better that she also choice you too.-
    then it´s better learn when some girl “wants”you”.
    Learn the signs that she sends to you, then all is easy
    .-

  9. John M. October 12, 2015 at 10:03 pm #

    I think it needs to be said that many of the girls of this “electronic” age are much crueler and unfeeling than those of generations past. Movies are an incredible tool for male bashing and female dominance…. hence boys are being conditioned to believe that rejection should be their lot in life, along with goddess worship. I’m paraphrasing a great man of God (C.S. Lewis) when I say, …. “They neuter the bull, then complain there are only cows”.

    • LEONARD August 27, 2016 at 3:28 am #

      Mr. John M. — Wow! I guess I never quite heard it put that way. I have a nice home and a good job ,but I cannot even imagine spending any time with a woman. There are differences between the genders,and I think that I understand that, but ANY attempt at a decent conversation becomes a horrible minefield. You certainly got it right!

    • Kris Wolfe August 29, 2016 at 5:38 pm #

      Yes, I definitely see much more male bashing in movies, even recent Disney movies. I’m not entirely sure women are that much kinder today, though. The term “gold digger” came about in the 20s. Some women have always taken advantage of the dating system.

  10. The Real Truth Was Just Told September 12, 2016 at 7:52 pm #

    With many women nowadays that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and so very power money which really explains why many Good men like us Fail with women since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less.

  11. Paul October 10, 2016 at 12:40 am #

    I never approach women because many assume all men are rapists and will call the police / press charges if a guy so much as says ‘hi’. This happens a lot in America and case law is very much on women’s side. Rejection is one thing… risking reputation / career / community just by being friendly to another human being is another and it’s not worth it.

  12. Arthur February 5, 2017 at 3:48 am #

    The author says, “expect to be rejected multiple times before landing your first date while keeping your eye on the prize” – which is great advice. But what of us for whom the reality is that we NEVER get a yes, and NEVER get a date no matter what we do, or how long we try? I’ve tried 1000s of times, and been rejected EVERY time. When should I just give up an accept that I’m going to be forever alone and chronically single.

    • Kris Wolfe February 13, 2017 at 9:30 am #

      Arthur: never give up. I can understand your hopelessness. I’ve been there before and was rejected over and over again. But, when I gave up hope, I made a lot of mistakes I regret today. Needless to say, God gave me His very best.

      • Arthur March 3, 2017 at 2:15 am #

        Good for you, Kris. I don’t believe you’ve been where I am – you’re now with a wonderful woman. Not every guy is that lucky – I’ve concluded that no woman is worth another nasty rejection. I’m not scared of rejection – I’ve just had enough and am sick and tired of it – so I’m throwing in the towel for good.

        • Kris Wolfe March 8, 2017 at 5:36 pm #

          No doubt, I feel extremely lucky. I don’t know how much rejection you’ve experienced, so I can’t walk in your shoes. But, I’ve been in sales for 17 years. I only bring that up because it was only after I received constant rejection through my job and came out fine on the other side that I realized rejection is only practice. Don’t lose hope because of rejection. Consider it practice for the one you’re eventually going to date. Don’t underestimate hope and mindset.

          • Arthur March 29, 2017 at 1:43 am #

            There is no ‘one I’m eventually going to date’. No woman could ever want me and being rejected by every woman I’ve asked out over 2 decades has proven it. I’m not going to get rejected again because I’m sick of the pain – why bother. I’m not attractive to any woman – guaranteed – so I’ve stopped trying to fool myself with “maybe the next one will say yes” crap.

  13. AJ April 24, 2017 at 1:35 am #

    I have never approached any woman in my life (I’m 32). There’s simply no point because no woman could ever be attracted to me. I’m not scared of rejection – I just know it’s inevitable every time. The idea that every guy can get a date if we ask enough women is completely false – some of us can’t. Please don’t advise me to try – I won’t do that – I’m just plain unlovable.

    • Kris Wolfe May 7, 2017 at 9:21 pm #

      I disagree with you. Men live under a false narrative that they have to look or act a certain way. The only act ever required is courage and confidence. It can happen, but it does require you to change your mind.

  14. AJ May 15, 2017 at 1:56 am #

    I certainly don’t believe I need to look or act any way – far from it – and I would never be anything other than myself anyway. The fact is though, for those like me who could never attract any woman no matter what however, this is of no consequence. “Ask her out. If you ask her out, she will say yes or no…” I am constantly told. The fact is, there is zero point bothering when there is a 100% probability of “no” every time no matter what.

    • Kris Wolfe May 23, 2017 at 5:30 pm #

      AJ, someone is out there. She might not be easy to find and she might look nothing like you’d expect, but she’ll be beyond your comprehension and you will be amazed. But don’t lose hope. Your efforts don’t have to be fruitless.

      • AJ June 6, 2017 at 12:46 am #

        Thanks Kris. That might work for some guys – but it won’t for me. I’m not about to put myself out there with the goal of being rejected – not a chance. If I thought there was even a 1% chance of getting a “yes”, I’d ask a woman out – I really would – but the fact is, there is no woman out there for me – that’s just the way it is. There is no hope for me to lose – I never had any to begin with. Thinking that success with a woman might be a distant possibility for me is delusional.

        • Kris Wolfe June 8, 2017 at 4:31 am #

          I just posted this great quote from Zig Ziglar on Instagram: “You do not have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Rejection is always on the path to greatness.

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