It’s been almost three years since I wrote So You Think I’m Gay? I remember the night it was scheduled to post online. I was sitting at the kitchen counter at Megan Mullally’s house and I felt sick to my stomach. She wasn’t there. I was housesitting for her. Kind of ironic that I was at a gay icon’s house when my “gay” article was posted but I have an entire career of working for gay icons (Megan Mullally, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster, Tyra Banks) so I guess it’s not that crazy. This articles details why I’m trying to not act out on my same sex attraction.
I want to give an update on what’s happened since that article came out (pun intended). First, I should say that the main reason I wrote the article was because I had just filmed a Dutch reality show and my porn star friend asked me about my sexuality on camera and we had a long talk about it. This episode was set to air to the entire nation of the Netherlands and I didn’t know how it was going to be edited so I wanted to tell my story, my way. Hence the gay article. By the way, I thought the show did a great job with that episode. And the Dutch people, who are incredibly liberal, basically said to me, “Well, we don’t agree with you but we still like you.” I was really touched by that. Here’s the clip from the Dutch show (sorry, no subtitles for the Dutch part):
Struggling with Same Sex Attraction
Now that it’s been three years, here’s the update. Things have been difficult. I hope I didn’t imply that this road was going to be easy. After the article, multiple people unfriended me on Facebook and others reached out to say how unhappy they were with me. At the end of the day, everyone that was still talking to me told me they still love me despite my thoughts or beliefs.
Guys from all of over the world wrote to me and said they were feeling the same way and were glad to hear they weren’t alone in their same sex attraction struggles. But what surprised me most was how many Christian men & women wrote to me and said the article opened up a discussion within their Christian communities to talk about homosexuality in a loving way instead of with judgment. That was not something I ever expected to hear.
Here’s the real story
Choosing not to act on my same sex attraction has not been easy and I have frequently given in. Sometimes I’m in a good place with it and sometimes I’m not.
Here’s what I’ve learned
When I feel like the guys in my life care about me and have taken an interest in me, getting physical with a guy is the last thing on my mind. During those periods of genuine friendship and bonding, I feel validated and it feels like I fit in as a man. The connection I’ve been craving is being met.
I know a lot of people talk about following their heart and say it’s not healthy to deny yourself what your body naturally wants, but I disagree. Every man who gets married doesn’t stop being attracted to other women just because they are now married. When they see a woman they’re attracted to, they have to say to themselves, “I made a commitment to my wife, I’m not going to let myself go there.” Could you imagine if someone told him, “You know, you really shouldn’t deny who you are. If you want to go after that woman, go after her.” Sorry, I’m getting carried away. Let’s go back to talking about sex.
When a hookup with a guy happens, it’s a temporary fix for that genuine connection that I crave. I’ve tried giving into my desires and have gone deep into the gay world and the truth is, it hasn’t made me happy. The times that I’m happiest are when I’m investing in healthy friendships with guys.
I’m not saying that I expect my same sex attraction to completely go away. I’m not saying I’m going to live a straight life and get married and have kids. I don’t know if that will happen for me. It’s possible, but I don’t know. I AM saying that after trying so many different paths of this struggle, I’m clear that it doesn’t make me happy and it’s not what God wants for my life. There have been times when I’ve chosen to do whatever I wanted and I’m telling you, that’s never a good idea. I want to spare everyone from wasting the years of their life that I wasted.
Do I expect to fail sometimes? Absolutely. Instagram can be the death of me! But God’s grace is enough, so I’m not going to beat myself up. I’m going to keep moving forward. And you know what’s weird, the farther I move away from the gay bars, the more my confidence goes up. I’ve learned that I don’t care about abs. I don’t need some guy to tell me I have a great butt…I already know that. That’s having more confidence, right?
Whatever your struggle is: same sex attraction, food, self-worth, confidence or anything else, I want you to know you’re not alone. Invest in the people who will encourage you, whether that’s a men’s group (shout out to LA Men’s Group) or finding a mentor or just investing in healthy friendships that offer a great connection.
There are tons of us out here pushing forward, in an effort to live a life that’s honoring to God that will make us happy. And that might mean denying ourselves of unhealthy habits or temptations and forcing ourselves to invest in quality relationships that build us up, keep us accountable, and strengthens our faith.
It’s not easy but it’s worth it. My suggestion is to keep talking about it. Be honest with the people around you about when things are going well and when they’re not. You don’t have to do it alone. There’s strength in numbers. And we have a lot of numbers!
If you’re struggling and need someone to talk to. Please get in touch with me at [email protected]