I never chose this life nor did I ask for it. It was simply given to me – an undeserved tragedy. I believed, that like everyone else, I deserved love, family and connection; however, it never came.
As months began to roll by, and one year slowly drifted into the next, I realized that perhaps I had put my hope in something that simply would never exist for me.
I longed for a father; a man that could constructively love me through my weaknesses, yet acknowledge my achievements in the heights of my successes. I desired someone who could patiently coach me through my shortcomings and guide me along a path that would lead to a life worth living. That man never came, but someone else did.
Before my birth, my father left my eighteen year-old mother for whatever might have been more important to him at the time. Remaining a mystery to this day, I lost the opportunity to ever salvage a relationship with my biological father.
After cycling through eight foster homes in the course of a few years I was adopted at the age of five. Remaining in this home for ten years some would say it was a done deal – I now had connection. However, requiring me to leave their home at the age of fifteen, I lost the answer to my prayers – a family, and beyond that, a father.
Since my departure from my adoptive family’s home, life has been a roller coaster to say the least. Living in four other foster homes, continuing my personal development in education and the workforce, and trying to construct and maintain some form of connection with the very people that let go of me has been such an incredible struggle.
In the midst of all the trouble and disappointment that life had introduced to me, I let go of my ability to dream; I lost hope in the possibility of ever having a father. I remained in this position for a while until my Heavenly Father found me in the most desperate moment of my life.
This is why I wrote my letter to the fatherless.
While some may attribute this new found “presence” to God, others refer to a spiritual force that resided within me, whereas still others accredit it to my innate sense of tenacity.
There in the midst of my calamity, and present in the face of my trials, I am constantly made aware that I have someone to lean on. He rejoices in my accomplishments and success and congratulates me in my triumph. He accommodates me with the room I need to grow and personally develop, and remains patient in the process as I do so.
Above all, He loves me unconditionally and lavishes upon me an everlasting love. He is not what I dreamt of for so long nor is He what I had envisioned as the perfect father – He is so much greater. Under no circumstances has He ever ceased to amaze me; He constantly astounds me as I realize that without Him I am nothing.
Of those reading this, who of you have experienced situations and feelings similar to the what I’ve encountered? Our circumstances obviously have differences but our feelings have a great chance of being the same.
Allow me to encourage you by urging you to continue dreaming. One of the greatest setbacks in the journey I traveled after saying goodbye to my adoptive family, is that I stopped dreaming. I released any hope I had in my future, based off the experiences I had in my past. However, a force, greater than myself or any other person I had known or heard of, found me in my lowest moments.
I want you to know that what you seek is out there and is waiting for you to find it. Whether you believe in God, the Buddha or your inner self, the answers you long for are available; beyond that, they are available for you.
Although we aren’t giving the opportunity to decide what life we begin, we are given the choice to decide what life we end with. We never fill out an application asking hardship to find us – it simply does.
As a human, whether male or female, we naturally desire the fathership of an incredible man in our lives; however, not all of us receive our wish. Like myself, some simply are never given the opportunity to know their father or find a replacement for their original one, whereas others are born with their father, yet would rather live without him due to abuse, neglect and countless other issues that may arise in their relationship with him.
You might not get the opportunity to choose what scenario plays out between you and your earthly father. But, you are given the choice to say yes to a Heavenly Father, or spiritual force.
Although it never completely remedies what has happened with my biological and adoptive families, having a Heavenly Father definitely makes my burden a lot lighter. Moreover, with accepting Him as mine, I now have someone to rely upon in my moments of sorrow and disappointment – He has often times replaced and fulfilled the role of what I naturally sought for an actual father to have.
I’ll never fully know what will happen in regards to the relationships I might have with my biological and adoptive father – it ultimately remains out of my control.
However, as I trust in Him, I find solace in the relationship I’ve built with my Heavenly Father, and I would greatly encourage you to do the same with whatever might fulfill the role of your father here on earth.
“Father to the fatherless…this is God” Psalms 68:5