Statistics show the #1 fear in America is public speaking, but I bet a poll of men would reveal the #1 fear is approaching women. I remember the first time I saw Kristen. She was across the room from me, and was clearly the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. We made eye contact, and I knew I had to act before the moment passed. The ability to make a successful connection can literally pass within seconds. Are you prepared for when the moment arises? Here are three techniques to help you successfully approach a girl:
1. Practice Makes Perfect
A lot of advice on approaching women says to be bold, walk right up, and don’t think about it. It’s great advice if you are already accomplished as a social connector. When I first met Kristen, she had no clue I was interested in her, which is good because that lowered her defenses. She saw me being friendly to everyone. I’m in sales, and over the years I’ve lessened my fear of rejection through being rejected over and over again. However, if you aren’t Mr. Social, you will have to learn to face your fears.
If you are shy, it’s going to be really tough to walk up and start a conversation with the girl you’ve always wanted to meet. You’re asking for an awkward moment. A good way to become a natural is to practice getting rejected over and over by making conversation with strangers. Ask a guy at the gym for a spot and then introduce yourself, talk to a stranger in line behind you at the grocery store, or attend a meeting alone and make an effort to introduce yourself to at least three people. Make a habit of going outside your comfort zone. Rather than being rejected as you expected, you may be surprised to find there are a lot of people out there looking to talk to someone. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will become, and when you finally get the opportune time to go up and talk to her, it will come naturally. She will see you talking to everyone else, and will be honored by the fact you chose to talk to her.
2. Be yourself and learn to be a conversationalist
When you are yourself, she will feel comfortable being herself. If you are putting on an act, she will put on an act…and will want to run. When you operate from your true identity and have a healthy sense of wholeness, you won’t need to seek her approval through telling her what you do for a living, what kind of car you drive, who you know, etc. If she cares about this stuff, then you’ll be confident in the fact she’s probably not for you.
Some pickup artists use openers, but are they necessary? Work on being a conversationalist, and she will listen. There are two keys to being a good conversationalist: open-ended questions and listening. The more you get her to talk, the better off your chances will be. One technique to get her to open up and talk is to ask open-ended questions that start with what, why, or how. By asking open-ended questions, you’ll avoid getting one-word answers or yes/no responses.
When I first went up to Kristen, her friend Alicia told me Kristen was Miss USA. I could tell they were passionate about pageants, so I asked them questions about how they got into competing, why they loved pageants so much, and what were the differences between Miss USA and Miss America.
3. Stick with your strengths
What are you passionate about? Use it to your advantage. It doesn’t matter how wealthy you are or how good you look, passion is contagious. I know a guy you might think is a nerd, but he’s super passionate about Myers-Briggs personality types. I’ve seen him rope some of the most beautiful women into conversation just by sharing his insights into the personality types. He doesn’t even have to do the approaching. He’ll start talking in a group, and it won’t be long until a girl starts asking him questions. After a few minutes of talking to her, he will tell her what personality type he thinks she is, and he’s usually right. Girls always love it.
Don’t try too hard and don’t be desperate. So many guys think they’ve found “the one” before they’ve had a decent conversation with her. Don’t put her on the pedestal. The key is to keep it natural and keep it neutral. Once you genuinely get to know her, you can decide if she’s “the one.” In conclusion, Mark Twain has some great inspirational words you can remember when approaching a girl:
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.